Man:  Hey, Richie, you may be too young to remember, but there was a good old time when a telephone was used only to speak to another person.

His Dog:  I am sorry I am a dog.

M:  What?

HD:  I said I felt sorry I was not a person.

M:  No, no, Richie!  I did not mean that!

I mean, these days it is not easy to talk to a real person on the phone when you need that.  You know, all these pre-recorded messages on helplines!  Press 1 for A, 2 for B…, it goes on and on!  And the machine tells you that you are in a queue.   “You are in the queue position 6”, that sort of thing….  A complete waste of time!

HD:  Wasteline.

M:  Sorry…what?

HD:  If it helps you, it is a helpline.  If it wastes your time, it is a wasteline.  Am I wrong?

M:  Ha, ha!  Richie, that is good!  Ha, ha, ha…you are right!  But I momentarily thought you started to talk about my expanding waistline!

HD:  Good to know yourself.

M:  Well…, …what was I saying?   Yes, the recorded messages.  Today’s one was even worse, Richie!  “Tell us in one word what you want”, it said.  Arrogant, don’t you think?  A machine gives an order to a man!

HD:  Even a dog’s commands come from a man.

M:  Anyway, it works like this.  When you “tell them in one word” what you want, you are then diverted to another pre-recorded message.  This message never gives you any help.  It just says what it wants to say, never what you want to hear.

If you try another word, hoping to avoid this, still happens the same thing.  The same selfish, useless message again and again…..

HD:  Was it on your bill?

M:  Was it what?

HD:  I asked you if they made you pay for this call.

M:  Oh, no, of course not.  It was a free call, obviously.

HD:  Good of them.

M:  RRRRRRRRichie…!!

HD:  (Calmly) I am here, Master.

M:  ….  Richie, that is not the point!  Well, let me tell you the story.

This afternoon while I was working, the internet suddenly went dead…in the middle of, well, everything!  It was disconnected!  Without any warning.  “Oh, my God, what is wrong?”  I thought.  But I was not panicked, Richie, I can tell you.  These things happen.  I have known that by now.  Calmly, I tried to find out what I could do.  Well, these may be a bit difficult for you to follow, but on these occasions, people normally try a few routine things.   Like switching off the computer once, restarting it, or pulling the router’s plug out, and…now, this is an important bit, Richie, waiting for a while, and plugging it in again.  In most cases, one or the other solves the problem.

I switched it off, waited, rebooted it, then took the plug out, waited, and plugged it back in…, you know, the patience is important.  I tried to be very patient, and did these things several times, hoping that the attempts would soon make everything alright.

But…no.  After a while, I realised these did not work.  Thankfully, though, the helpline number was shown on the screen.  The telephone number to call for help, that is.  And that was exactly why I called this number.  To ask a specialist, I mean a person, to tell me what to do.

Then came this recorded message!  It told you to look on the website to find out how to deal with problems!  Great!  The internet was disconnected, that was the reason I wanted a help, and the voice from the helpline told me to look for the answer on the internet!!

I had to speak to a person.  I had to, Richie.

HD:  Thank you, Master.  I am now acquainted with the string of events.

M:  Good.  Well, good of you to understand.

I had to talk to a person.  I had to somehow get through to a person!

I called several times.  Each time I was led to “tell us in one word…” announcement.  Patience, patience….  Actually, I tried a few different words. But, hey, if you say any appropriate word, they just transfer you to this bloody pre-recorded message!!

HD:  I do not like that particular language of yours, Master.

M:  ….  What I tried to say was, YOU COULD NEVER REACH A REAL PERSON!!

HD:  Never?

M:  Well, I could, eventually….

HD:  Well done, Master!  How did you do that?

M:  First, I tried silence.  Without success.  They just repeated the same words.  Then I said, simply, “I want to speak to a person”.  “Speak to a person about what?” they insisted.  So, I decided to repeat what I have said just as they had been doing.  “I want to speak to a person”, “I want to speak to a person”, again and again and again.  Then, you know what, I was transferred to one of the customer service personnel!

HD:  Brilliant!  Did this person help you?

M:  Well, actually, he did.  But only after he demanded that I should do everything I had already done several times!  And, of course, after putting me on hold for quite some time!

HD:  Has he solved your problem?

M:  Yes…eventually.  He was… rather helpful.

HD:  Excellent!!  You have done splendidly, Master. What a nice day!

M:  Nice?  Was it nice?  It took me 85 minutes altogether to get it done!  All this nonsense!!

HD:  You have got it done, Master.  Therefore, it was not nonsense, it was “sense”.

M:  ….  You are a weird dog, Richie!

HD:  Which simply means you are weird, Master.

M:  I am not!

HD:  I am afraid so.  This one is common sense, as you call it.

M:  What common sense?

HD:  Strange people have strange dogs.  It is common sense that dogs mirror their masters.

M:  Is it?

HD:  Of course.  Everyone knows that.  You know, that guy in Barker Street, he famously said that more than once, I think.  And he was right.

M:  Barker Street?  Whom are you talking about?

HD:  The guy who has got successful by sniffing around things which other people normally do not know.  The one from Barker Street.  221B Barker Street.

M:  Ah…, you mean Sherlock Holmes?  Ha, ha, that is Baker Street, dear, 221B Baker Street.

HD:  Oh, is it?

Anyway, that is the guy!  I appreciate his efforts.  He is probably the only one human who is good at sniffing things out.  Like, from where someone is coming, without being told anything.  That is our speciality, you know, Master. We dogs always know where people come from or what occupations they have, just by smelling them.

M:  OK, ok, that is great.  Let us return to the subject.  What did he say?

HD:  He said that dogs reflected their owners’ personality.  “Dangerous people have dangerous dogs.  Sinister people have sinister dogs”.  He was so very true.  He actually proved this theory.

M:  Did he?

HD:  Yes.  “If you want to know what kind of people they are, just look at their dogs”, he said.  Fantastic!  He is a clever guy.

Anyway, that is why I say, if I happened to be weird, which means you are weird, my dear Master.

M:  Hmmmmm…. That actually sounds rather plausible.

HD:  I told you.