Richie the Dog

Man:  Quarantine, Richie!  All of us have to…Richie?  What’s wrong?  Why are you hiding?

His Dog:  (Poking his head from behind the curtain)  No, thank you, Master.  I should not like to go anywhere.  I love Britain.

M:  What?  It’s great that you love Britain, but what are you talking about, Richie?

HD:  I said I would not travel anywhere.

Man:  Yes, that’s the point, Richie, clever boy.  We shall not travel anywhere now.  We all have to stay home.  No meeting, no gathering, no pint at the local…not even any grooming, for either of us.  How long for?  God only knows.

But how did you know?  Is that by your usual canine nose?

HD:  I am sorry, Master, but it is I who have no idea what you are talking about.

Man:  Pandemic, Richie, a pandemic!  We are housebound, all of us, not only in this country but the whole world!  The Government ban on going out, that’s what it is.

HD:  We are not traveling then, Master?

Man:  No, Richie.  We cannot travel anywhere…apart from a local supermarket, or a chemist.  Well, we are allowed to have a daily walk as an exercise, which means you can still go for a walkie, Richie, every day, but I remind you, it’s only once a day!

HD:  If I am not mistaken, Master, you said we would be in quarantine…?

Man:  Oh, yes, we are…now.  A most horrific disease has gripped the whole world.  The virus kills people.  And it’s highly contagious.  We are all in quarantine so that we will not contract this awful disease.

HD:  I see.  We are trying to keep away from a killer virus….

Man:  Yes, Richie.

HD:  Are we leaving for an airport soon?

Man:  What?  No!  We may not go to an airport for some time.  Why should we?   Aha…Richie, I understand now.  No, it’s not that quarantine.  Don’t worry, Richie, it is not.  I remember you told me about your traumatic experience of being in quarantine at a foreign airport before you came to me.

HD:  Being in quarantine can change your personality, I warn you.

M:  Umm…probably.  No, no, It’s not that.  We are all in quarantine at home.  You don’t have to, or rather, you mustn’t go anywhere.  You should stay home until this pandemic subsides.

HD:  Oh, great!  I am so pleased.

M:   Well, I tell you, Richie, this will not be so great after all.  We cannot go to work, see a friend or family, or do some clothes shopping.  All the shops will be closed except grocers and chemist.  No restaurant or pub, no theatre, no library, no barber, no gym.

HD:  Can I not even go to the park?

M:  Oh, yes, you can.  Parks are one of the handful of places which won’t be closed, it seems.  We can go to the park.

HD:  Then I do not mind too much.

M:  Don’t you?  Let’s see, Richie.  You may regret having said that!

 

(Two weeks later.  The man and his dog are walking back from their daily walk cum grocery shopping.)

HD:  I feel so pleased, Master, that humans have finally evolved a territorial instinct like all of us animals, which is very important for survival.

M:  What?  What is all that about, Richie?

HD:  Territorial instinct, Master.  Most of us animals have an instinct to protect our own territory and respect others’ so that we coexist happily together.  I have always wondered why on earth poor humans do not have the same.  But in past weeks I could certainly notice you behave as if you now have the instinct.  Everyone stands 6 feet apart from each other everywhere.  A great improvement in human history, I think.

M:  Ha, ha, ha!  Richie, that is because people have to.  By the Government’s new rules, we have to keep at least 6 feet apart from one another to prevent the virus spreading.  No instinct at all, unfortunately, just a rule.

HD:  Oh, is it?  I am sorry to hear that it is not a natural development process of human beings.

M:  No.  This pandemic, Richie, has forced us to follow a lot of strange practices.  Social distancing is one of them.

HD:  I see, a good practice, anyway.  It leads to less discord, more peace, surely.

M:  I am not sure about that, Richie.  …Hey!

(The man waves to another man walking in their direction on the opposite side of the street.)

M:  (Shouting) Hey, Alex!  How are you doing?

Alex:  (Shouting) Oh, hi!  I’m fine.  Nice to see you!  It’s rather unpleasant and boring these days, isn’t it?

M:  Yeah, it is!  No work at all for me!

HD:  (Whispering to his Master) Why don’t you cross the street and greet him?

M:  (Whispering to his dog) No, we cannot, Richie.  The rule, you know.

HD:  A-ha!  That is rather inconvenient.  Distancing even between old friends.

M:  (Finishing the shouted conversation over the street and turning to his dog)  See?  I told you so.

 

The man and his dog came back home.  The man put his shopping on to the shelves, into the cupboards and the refrigerator, then both settled in the living room.

M:  (Examining his dog from top to toe)  Hey, Richie.  You have gained weight, recently.  You look fat!

HD:  (Surprisingly)  No!  No, I have not, Master.  I am as slim and fit as before!

M:  But you look bigger, Richie.  You definitely do!

HD:  That is because I have had no trim for more than 2 months!  Just as your hair, Master.  Look at yourself in the mirror.  You look like…er, arty, …rock and roll, …I mean you look quite like a 70’s hippie, Master!

M:  Oh, do I?  (Touching his hair) That is bad….

HD:  Yes, Master.  Your fringe is too long and almost covering your eyes.  Some canines have difficulty walking straight if their fringe is like that!  I hope you can walk properly.

M:  Ugh….  I want my hair cut, naturally.  But the barbers and hairdressers are all closed, Richie.  So are dog trimmers.

HD:  Is that a new Government rule as well, I wonder?

M:  Oh, yes, Richie.  All the shops except for chemists and grocery shops are closed in the whole country, probably in the whole Europe, even in the whole world!

HD:  Is that the extent the pandemic affects people?

M:  Yes, it is, Richie.  It is.

HD:  The only possible solution then, in my opinion, is DIY, Master.

M:  What?  DIY?

HD:  Yes, cut your hair yourself, Master.  That is the only way.

M:  Umm…no, I am not good at DIY, Richie, particularly not at trimming hair.

HD:  But you look a different man, Master.

M:  You look a different dog, Richie.  Oh, I have a good idea!  Why don’t we do your trim first, for…a sort of…practice?!

HD:  (Shaking) What?!

M:  It was you who suggested a chop, Richie.  Come on!  You will have a different kind of chop later.  A pork chop!

HD:  A pork chop!  Really?!

M:  Yes, a pork chop, Richie.  If you volunteer to be a guinea pig, you will be rewarded with a succulent pork chop!

HD:  You mean a guinea pup…in return for a pork chop.  …A pork chop.  Grr…that is irresistible.

M:  Is it a deal?

HD:  OK…it is a deal…!

 

(Next evening.  The man spent all day struggling to trim his dog’s hair and his own.  They sit in the living room looking at each other.)

M:  Ha, ha, ha…!  Well, Richie, you look a different dog.  I mean, you look remarkable!  Yes, you look outstanding…I mean…great!

HD:  You look quite exceptional too, Master.  Extraordinary, rather.

M:  Well, we tried our best, Richie.

HD:  No, Master.  You tried your best.

M:  Well, yes, that is right….  At least it is fair.  We both look equally…er, incredible, Richie.

HD:  Equally, yes, Master.  I am, actually, an “egalitarian”.  Sol omnibus lucet, said someone two thousand years ago.

M:  What?  Do you read Latin, Richie?

HD:  Did you not know?!  I thought you knew that I was a classicist.

M:  Well, you seem to be…more so than most humans, apparently….

(Suddenly chuckling) I see, that’s why we call it dog Latin…ha, ha, ha!

HD:  (Indignantly)  Excuse me, sir!  Mine is genuine Latin.  Actually, the expression “dog Latin” is quite an insult to us canines, in my opinion!  Anyway, I am a purist.  I thought you knew me better than that.

M:  Yes, Richie, of course you are…sorry for underestimating you.

Well, let me make it up to you.  How about that pork chop, Richie?  Let’s celebrate our resilience, shall we?

HD:  Definitely!  Magno cum gaudio!

M:  ???

(Early evening.  A man comes into the living room and looks around, calling his dog’s name.)

Man:  Richie!  Richie?

(His dog comes running in.)

His Dog:  Yes, Master!

Man:  Ah, Richie, here you are!  Where have you been?

HD:  I was at the gate watching a delivery man making a round in the neighbourhood.

Man:  Were you?  Good.  I was about to ask you if you saw a delivery man.

HD:  Yes, I did, Master, as I said.  He just finished his deliveries and jumped in his van to leave.

Man:  Did he?  Hmmm….  Did he ever show any sign of coming here to this address, I wonder?

HD:  No, Master.  He delivered a small package to the house across the road, and another box to a flat next to it.  No delivery to this side of the road today.

Man:  Hmmm….  Strange.  I have been expecting a parcel.  Should have come by now.  Actually, I checked on the website and it said it was delivered….  Hey, Richie, you are not playing a game with me, I hope?  You have not hidden my parcel to challenge me?

HD:  Oh, God, of course not!  I have better things to do, Master, definitely!  I wish you had known that!

Man:  Yes, of course, you have.  Sorry, Richie.

HD:  What is the matter, Master?

M:  Well, I made an online purchase last week and the order should have arrived by now.  When I tracked it online ten minutes ago, the site actually said it was delivered today.

(The man’s telephone rang.  He answered it.)

M:  Hello, hi, Sis…fine, thank you, and you?  …Great.  Ah, yes, thank you.  …No, not yet.  Have you?  …Well, maybe tomorrow, I guess.  Yeah, I’ll tell you when I get it.  Thanks.  Bye, for now.

HD:  Your sister?

M:  Yes, she said she has sent me a birthday card.  Good girl.  It is my birthday tomorrow, you know.

HD:  Yes, Master!  We are having a big celebration!  I am looking forward to the special dinner!

By the way, Master, when did your sister say she posted the card to you, I wonder…?

M:  What?  Ah, she said she posted it a few days ago, and it was by first class.  That was why she thought I had already got it.  Unfortunately, first class mail does not always come fast in this country, you know, Richie.

HD:  No…I know that.  Sometimes second class mail arrives quicker than that of first.

M:  Exactly.  That is the reality in Britain, I am afraid.

HD:  Yes…of course…but….

M:  But, what, Richie?  Have you something to say?

HD:  I should like to remind you, Master, if I may….

M:  Yes…?

HD:  Your online order should have arrived by now, too.

M:  Yes.  …Oh, no, Richie.  No, these are completely different!  My order is from an online shop and my sister sent her card by post.

HD:  But both should have been here by now, which is not the case.

M:  Well…?!

HD:  Your order was placed last week, and the online tracking says it was already delivered.  Your sister sent her card few days ago by first class, and that is from within London….  Many online retailers use Royal Mail for delivery as far as I know.  You have not received either of these yet.

M:  Well, no….  Richie, are you saying…

HD:  Smells bad to me.

M:  Do you think they were lost on their way?

HD:  Probably.  In fact, it smells fishier than that to me, if you permit me, to be honest.

M:  Does it…?

HD:  You can trust canine nose, or the sixth sense, if you like to call it.  Particularly that of the intelligent one.

(The man’s phone rang again.  He answered it.)

M:  Hello.  Hi, again, Sis, what‘s up now?  What?  Has she?  Wow, that is very kind of her.  Yes, something special.  Yeah, yeah.  Oh, I look forward to that!  …No, not yet.  Did she?  Well, no, I am afraid.  …But don’t tell her.  Yes, it will come tomorrow. Yeah, I’m sure.  Bye.

(The man hung up and turned to his dog, with a serious expression on his face.  The dog twitches his nose.)

M:  Richie….  My elderly aunt, who has been unwell for some time, hand-knitted a jumper for me specifically as a birthday present.  She did it despite her ill health.  According to my sister, she said it would most likely to be her last handmade gift to me.  And she said she asked my sister to post it 3 days ago….

HD:  …Oh, no…!

M:  Well, Richie, …let us see.  I know you are almost always right.  But this time I very much hope you are not.  Who knows?  They may all come tomorrow.  All 3 of them together!

HD:  I do hope so, Master.

 

 

(The following day.  The man and his dog had a special dinner together to celebrate his birthday.  They enjoyed the home cooked meal but the celebration was somewhat subdued this year.  It was not because the day was in the middle of a working week but because none of the things they were expecting has arrived.)

M:  Richie, I telephoned the online shop’s customer service and they believed what I said, thankfully.  They assume the item is lost.  They are going to send me another one.

HD:  That is good.  Better, shall I say….

M:  Yes, Richie….

M & HD:  (At the same time) But…!

M:  Richie, I cannot tell my poor aunt that her very special present is lost on its way….

HD:  No, you cannot.  You do not have to, Master.

M:  No.  But why?  Oh, why on earth did this happen on this very day of the year?  Why?

(The man fell silent and remained so for quite a while.  Deep in thought.)

HD:  (Suddenly in a loud voice) Cheerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrup!!

(Surprised, the man came back to senses.)

M:  Thank you, Richie…for your great big cheer, literally.

Anyway, have you heard any doorbell or a knock on the door, by any chance today?

HD:  Sadly, no, Master.

M:  Nor have I.  I will just go and check the letter box once again in case my sister’s card is stuck there…or maybe some other letter.

(The man went out of the room.  He did not come back for a while.  His dog walked to the front door to see what his master was doing.)

(The man did have a letter in his hand and was reading it.)

HD:  (Anxiously) You have got a letter, Master.  But it does not look like your sister’s card….

(The man did not answer.  He kept staring at the letter intensely, his face becoming redder and redder.)

HD:  (Very anxiously) What is the letter, Master?  Who is it from?  What does it say?

(The man’s hand which held the letter was trembling now.  He looked clearly upset.)

M:  Whaaaaaaaat???  This is a joke, Richie!  I cannot believe this…!

Listen, Richie.  A letter from Royal Mail.

Dear Customer, it says.  Loss of mail resulting from alleged theft in your area, is the title.  Then it goes.  I regret to inform you that an alleged theft took place…from a Royal Mail employee engaged in delivering mail to addresses in your area.  Royal Mail takes the problem of theft very seriously, bluh, bluh, bluh…has contacted the Police and we will co-operate fully with any investigation they may conduct.  Every effort is being made to recover any stolen mail items,…In the meantime, I am writing to offer my sincere apologies for any inconvenience resulting from this theft…

Can you believe this, Richie?  Can you…???

HD:  Good gracious…!

M:  And here they say, You may wish to consider making contact with any expected correspondents, to inform them of this incident so that they may make alternative arrangements…  How dare they say this…!!  It should not be “any expected correspondents”, but should be they who should make alternative arrangements, shouldn’t it?

HD:  ….

(His dog was lost for words.  He just opened his mouth and eyes widely, looking at his angry master.)

M: No mention of any form of compensation here!  And it is a printed-out copy.  Without even a signature.  No addressee’s name either!  It is not addressed to me personally.  Just addressed as Dear Customer, in other words, everyone concerned in general.  And it did not even come in an envelope!!

Rude, Richie, this is rude!  Not at all good enough!!  Do they seriously think this impersonal, stock letter is all they can do on such an occasion?  Is this really sufficient as a proper apology?

(His dog shook his head.)

M:  We, both senders and receivers, all trust them and pay for their service, expecting, naturally and quite rightly, a safe and prompt delivery each time.  And they charge you a lot, too!  Then they have lost multiple items and just this…!!??

HD:  Arrogant.

M:  Exactly.  That is the word!

HD:  Shameless…I must say.  Is that all, Master?  Are there any instructions how to claim compensation or at least make a complaint?

M:  Well, let me see….

HD:  They are usually at the end of letter, Master.

M:  Well, yes…ah, here we are…a sort of….  If you, or your correspondents, have any queries relating to his incident, our Customer Service Centre will be able to offer assistance…and the phone number.

HD:  Great.  Why not call them, Master?

M:  All right.  I will call them first thing tomorrow morning.

 

 

(The following morning.  The man was on the phone for a long time.  He could not help shouting once or twice, though trying his best to stay calm.  Eventually, he finished his call and hung up.)

HD:  Well, any better, Master?  Will they try returning your lost property?

(The man looked at his dog, indignantly but forlornly, with total disbelief on his face.)

M:  No, Richie, no.  It is hopeless.  They cannot or will not, perhaps, do anything.  The call was a complete waste of time and energy.

HD:  But the number was given to you to offer some help.  Was it not?  What did they say?

M:  What they said was, astonishingly, that the incidents like this were not unusual.  They happen from time to time.  We just have to move on, they said.

HD:  Gosh!

M:  There is nothing they can do.  The things were stolen and most were likely to be already thrown away, particularly the letters and cards without any cash enclosed, or sold if the item had any value.  No way of recovering them at all.  Even if they should find any of them, which is extremely unlikely from their past experience, which was not inconsiderable, that was their words, they would certainly be the most important evidence that the police would keep.

HD:  But have they caught the culprit?  What happened to the thief?

M:  They cannot tell me that because it is personal information.

HD:  What?  They mean to protect the criminal?

M:  It seemed like that.

HD:  Can you not claim compensation?

M:  No, I cannot.  According to them, the only person who could claim compensation was the sender, not the prospective recipient.  Because the sender paid for the service.  I cannot tell my poor aunt, Richie, that her precious handmade jumper was stolen and ask her to make a claim.  It is out of question, you know.

HD:  You are right, Master.

M:  The things I bought online are OK.  The shop will send me replacements.  But in my opinion, even this should not be done by the seller, it should be Post Office who should replace them.  It is their responsibility.

HD:  Quite true.

M:  Anyway, my sister’s card…well, I feel sorry but I can tell her and we can try to forget about it.  But my aunt’s hand-knitted jumper…nothing can replace it really.  It is irreplaceable.  It is her labour of love.  From her heart.  I told them that one of the lost items was a present from my elderly aunt, who hand-knitted it whilst in hospital.  They were not interested.  They just tried to finish the conversation as quick as possible.

(The man fell silent again, looking empty and miserable.)

HD:  (Suddenly in a loud voice) Cheerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrup!!

(The man blinked and straightened himself.)

M:  Thank you, Richie….

HD:  And was that it?  Did they say nothing else?

M:  Well, yes.  They said there was good news, nonetheless.

HD:  Oh, what was that?

M:  They were pleased to tell me that the culprit was gone.  No longer with Royal Mail.  Therefore, they were perfectly sure there would be no more theft by this same person again.

HD:  …!!

M:  I asked them once more if there was any chance of the return of the items in future, after the police investigation finished, for example.  They simply said, no.  Sorry but please move on, was the only thing they would say.  I asked once again how the Police were doing.  They repeated that they could not tell me because it was personal information.

(The man looked at the floor, trying to contain his emotions.)

HD:  (Again, in a very loud voice) Cheerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrup!!

(Again, the man blinked and came back to himself.)

M:  Thank you, Richie….  You are a good boy.

HD:  May I ask you then, Master, what was the point of giving them a call?  For what purpose did they give you this telephone number?

M:  That, Richie, was a waste of time and energy, as I have told you.  For them it was just a going through the motions, nothing else.

HD:  What a disgrace!  This is appalling.

Probably, they cannot afford to spend much time on each case, I suppose.  If these crimes are rather usual occurrences as they say, they must have loads of cases to deal with.

M:  Oh, yes, you are right, Richie.

HD:  And of course all you have to do now is smile, Master.  Then it is you who are the winner, in my opinion.

M:  What?  Why?

HD:  The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief, Master.

M:  Gosh, Richie!  That is Shakespeare!

HD:  Oh, is it?  All I know is this was uttered by some noblemutt, sorry, nobleman.  He even added, He robs himself that spends a barkless grief.

M:  Bootless, Richie.  Bootless grief, that is.  Otherwise, remarkable!  You are really a genius, Richie.

HD:  Thank you, Master, for the compliment.  But, you know, we canines do not wear boots.

M:  ….

(The man and his dog arrived back home after an evening walk.  The man switched on the light in the living room.  The light flashed momentarily and the room went back to darkness again. )

Man:  Damn!  The bulb has gone!

His Dog:  What happened, Master?

M:  We have to change the bulb, Richie.  This time it is an LED light.  Look, Richie, these are the new type of light which use less energy and last longer.  It means we can save on electricity, and do not have to change the bulb as often as before!

HD:  Sounds brilliant!  And we are saving the environment at the same time!

M:  What?  –Ah, that is right, too.  How do you know that kind of thing, Richie?  Did the Government give you a treat to learn that?

HD:  I am not a Government’s poodle, Master!  I am not any poodle at all, actually.  I am a proud mixed breed!  Anyway, it is just common sense.

M:  Oh, is it?

HD:  Of course.

(The man finished changing the bulb and the two of them settled cosily in the living room.)

M:  Hey, Richie, have I told you about the fuss caused by the old fuse?

HD:  Fuse?  No, Master.  I have heard about a lot of fusses in your life but not about the fuse one.

M:  Alright.  Let me tell you, Richie.  You will realise the benefits of LED lights even better when you hear this story.

HD:  Will I?  Yes, please, Master!

M:  Well, it all started just like today.  Again, it was when I was renting that little old flat in London.  One evening I came home and switched the light on, it flashed and soon went off.  I changed the bulb, obviously, like today.  But the light has not come back on!

HD:  You were sure, of course, the second bulb was brand new, I hope?

M:  I double-checked that.  Actually, I tried a few new bulbs in turn just in case!  The light did not come back on any of the occasions.  Naturally, my next thought was a fuse.  A fuse is blown quite often when an old bulb goes.  I tried other lights in the flat.  Bathroom, kitchen…. No.  There was no light.  It seemed I was right about the fuse.

Then I looked into the cupboard where the fuse box was situated.  The red sign on the box showed it was ON!  Strange….  “It is rather unlikely”, I thought, “but possibly, possibly this is the power cut, which happened suddenly somehow…without any notice”.  You know, Richie, they usually notify you before the power has to be cut.  None such had been issued.

I opened the fridge door and saw the light was on inside!  I looked nervously at my computer then.  It looked alright.  I tried to start it, and it started normally.  Umm….  This meant it was not the power cut.  I looked out to see my neighbours’ windows, and some lights were actually on.  If it was a power cut, everybody else in the block should have been affected as well.

Then I remembered that usually there were several subordinate fuses other than the main one, each of which controlled different parts of the electricity in a home.  Sometimes only one of those is blown, even when the main fuse is working.  It seemed all the appliances were OK but the room lights were all gone.  “Only the fuse of the latter must have been blown”, I thought.  “Well, I can just flick this particular fuse back on!”

I must explain to you here, Richie.  When a fuse is blown, either the main or the subordinate one, its switch literally flicks off and you can see it.  All you have to do is flick the affected fuse back on manually.  This solves the problem.  Simple.

HD:  But it was not as simple as that, I suppose.

M:  Exactly.  I had to find the individual fuses.  Normally these are inside the fuse box itself and you can find them by opening it.  I went back to the fuse box and tried to open it one way or other.  I could not!  I could not just open the box.  It would not open in any way.  It was a solid box without any hinge or knob!

It was very strange.  There on the box, all I could see were several objects in the shape of long bars sitting along with one another beside the main fuse switch.  I examined these carefully.  There were no switches or buttons attached to them.  No sign or instruction either.  I came to the conclusion that none of the bars could be moved or detached, or, just like the box itself, opened…by hand at least by an armature.

HD:  Quite a pawful.

M:  Yeah….  I had never seen or heard of such a strange fuse box.  I looked around the flat to see if there was any other fuse box somewhere else.  I opened every cupboard, crouched down or climbed a stepladder, searching.  Nothing.  No other fuse box.

I admit I am not an engineer type, Richie.  Perhaps one of my friends knew better than I, I thought.  I made a few calls to friends and asked their opinion.  No one had one.  After listening to my story, all of them said they had never seen such a strange fuse box.  What they knew was exactly the same as I did.

By then the time had passed.  It was approaching midnight and I was tired.  Gradually the fact sunk into my mind.  I could not fix it myself.  I had to call an electrician.  Until then, I had no light in the flat!

It was not an easy case of changing the bulb or flicking back the fuse after all.  The case needed a professional.  Of course, as a tenant, I was not responsible for paying the electrician.  But that was not the point!  If I asked my landlord, who was permanently busy, it would take ages to be fixed.  I had to act myself.  I had no idea, though, whom to call.  Even if I managed to find an electrician to call, the likelihood was he could not come straight away with such a short notice.  Without light, I could hardly do anything in my flat!

HD:  Surely you had a torch or a table lamp, Master?

M:  I did have a small torch, which I had been using during these examinations.  But I had no table lamp.  It was a tiny flat, Richie, and a really basic living.  I was struggling financially at the time!

HD:  You always are.

M:  What?

HD:  Nothing.  Just I am the dog who is down to earth.  Actually, come to think of it, all dogs are.

M:  …??

…Now, I could hear the footsteps from above.  The man above me was still up and about.  I felt a bit sorry for him but what the neighbours were for unless we helped each other on such occasions?  He might not fix my fuse, but his flat had the same layout as mine, being directly above, he might know something about the fuses in this building better than I, who was a relative new comer, or he might have some good idea to share.

HD:  “Two muzzles are better than one”, they say.

M:  Two heads, Richie!  “Two heads are better than one.”  But otherwise you are right.

I walked up the stairs and knocked his door.  Thankfully, he answered the door rather genially.  I sheepishly told him the situation and asked him if his fuse system was the same.  He invited me in to have a look.  No.  The fuse box was completely different.  His looked newer and much modern.  It allowed you to open it and there were subordinate fuse switches inside, which could be flicked by hand, as the one I had known before.  “I see.  Yours is new.  I suppose the one in my flat is from the different decade”, I muttered.  “Oh, is it?  It should be the same as we are in the same block.  Let me have a look”.  Saying that, he put on his dressing gown.  And to my surprise, he kindly offered to come down with me to have a look despite the late hour.  He looked confident and trustworthy.  He did know much more about the electricity than I did and could explain what was going on.  After the careful examination and several trials, however, he declared he had no idea what to do, and it certainly was the job for an expert.  He said sorry but it was quite understandable.  The fuse box in my flat looked ancient.  I was more than grateful for his kindness regardless the result.  I could not do anything until the morning anyway.  I thanked him heartily and he left.

HD:  Good boy, your neighbour!

M:  Well, he rather was!

I dug up a candle from the bottom of my drawer and lit it, feeling tired.  I got ready for bed using the torch and the candle and went to sleep, thinking, “Oh, well, I will handle it in the morning, whatever it is!”

The next morning, my task was to look for an electrician who was nearby, did not cost much and above all, who could come as soon as possible.  I could get dressed, perhaps cook or wash myself under the candle light but certainly not work!

First, I telephoned around my friends and acquaintances asking if they knew an electrician whom they used regularly or who had good reputation.  The internet or phone directory search was out of question, for there was no way of knowing if they were good or genuine.  You remember the cowboy builder story, I think, Richie?

HD:  Yes, I do.  The dog learns from experiences.

M:  Of course…you do.

Well, some friends had suggestions. I tried calling these numbers one by one.  Some did not answer at all and some were just answering machines.  I left a few messages on those to call me back, but still soldiered on.  Eventually, the 6th recipient of my call answered.   He said he could come but, quite naturally, not on the day.  “I am very busy now.  I can come to you next week”, he said.  It was Wednesday, Richie.  I could not wait so long!  I called 7 more.  One said he was not available for several days and another said for a few weeks…!  Others were answering machines as before.

When I started panicking, a friend telephoned me.  He said he remembered that one of his friends once told him about a nice electrician and he could ask him the man’s contact number.  “Thank you!” I said.  “Please try and let me know”.

I wished this particular friend of his would answer the phone and this particular electrician would do the same!  20 minutes later, my friend duly called me.  He said he caught his friend and was given the electrician’s number to call.  Great!  I thanked him a lot.

HD:  A friend in need is a friend indeed!

M:  Exactly, Richie!  Well done!

HD:  And we say, “A friend in need is a hound indeed”.

M:  Oh, do you?

Now, this electrician, please may he be there for me and answer my call immediately!

Fortunately, the man answered the call straight away.  I introduced myself, mentioning the name of my friend’s friend as I had been instructed.  Hearing the name, he readily said he was available the next day.  Wonderful!

I had to bath, cook and eat under the candle light another day, but I knew that was the best and the quickest after what I had experienced by then.  Above all, the electrician knew exactly what I was talking about and how to fix it.  He said that an old fuse like the one in my flat had no switch to flick it on or off.  The long bars were in fact the plugs which contained wires, thus made up the fuses, and individual fuse had to be detached and opened by an expert.  It required a change of wire inside.  It was not the matter of flicking switches like the modern fuses.  “I did not know there still were some around in this day”, he added.

HD:  What a curiosity!

M:  Well, it did look ancient, I have told you!

There I was spending another evening under the candle light and…

HD:   (Cheerfully) I am sure you enjoyed it, Master!

M:  What?  Why?

HD:  Because it must have been like having an extra Christmas!!  I envy you!

M:  Oh, Richie…you really are a happy soul!

Anyway, the next day the man came, a pleasant man.  He tried light switches in my flat, saw the fuse box and then detached one of the long bars from there.  He opened it with his tool and changed the wire inside to the new one he had brought with him.  I was watching his skilful work, somewhat impressed.  Then I asked him the question I had wanted to ask.  “Do I have to call you, perhaps, to do this every time a fuse is blown?”  “Yes”, he replied.  “This is our job.  You cannot do it yourself”.

Really?  I have to call an electrician whenever a fuse is blown!  Oh, my God!  “I have never heard of such a fuse”, I said.  “Normally, we can just flick the switch back and forth, can’t we?”  “Yes, if it is a modern fuse.  But you know, this is an old one”.  What a nuisance!  And a fuse is blown now and again, Richie!

HD:  Yes, I witnessed it today.

M:  There you are.

The electrician declared.  “I strongly advise you or your landlord, that the fuse box should be replaced to a new system in accordance with the present safety regulations!”  Then he continued.  “Apart from that, there must be another problem in this flat.  I have to find it out”.  “Another problem?”  I asked with a slight shock.  “Yes.  There must be something, which consumes a lot of electricity but is not working properly.  I must find it, otherwise it keeps causing problems.  Can you think of anything?”  “Um…no”, was my reply.  With a serious face of a professional, he started looking around the flat.  I followed him.  “Why did you say that?” asked I.  “Because that was the thing which blew the fuse off!” said he.  “I see”, I said to myself.  Rather belatedly I understood the whole situation.  Something was wrong from the start, which caused the accident.  The fuse was blown as a result.

Now he and I were in the bathroom.  He looked at the ventilator and said.  “This looks very old.  Does it work properly?”  “I think so.  I use it every day.  It is connected to the light switch in this room and switched on in conjunction with the light”, I explained to him.  “Hmmm….  Let us see….”  He switched the light on and the ventilator started making a lot of noise as it always did.  Hearing the noise, I told him.  “You see, it makes quite a noise!”  “It does make a noise”, he replied, “but it is not working at all”.  “What?”  “This ventilator has not been working for some time.  It does not ventilate.  Just makes a noise.  I have to disconnect this.  I hope you do not mind”.  He opened the case and showed me the inside.  It had collected a huge amount of dust.  “This is the culprit”, he said, disconnecting it.  “This affected the fuse and broke the system!”

HD:  Gosh!

M: Well, I did not mind the ventilator.  There were windows and I could open the door.  But I did mind the antiquated fuse.  His advice was:  “tell your landlord that both the ventilator and fuse are out of date with very old installations.  Ask him to replace them for you and for his own sake.  Otherwise letting this flat itself becomes legally questionable.  On safety grounds”.

HD:  Great heavens!  Did you tell your landlord?

M:  Yes, I did.

HD:  And he replaced them?

M:  No.  At least as far as I know.  I just got out before any more trouble happened.  I was horrified!

HD:  Umm….  You humans say, “You get what you pay for”.

M:  That’s right, Richie.  I chose the flat because the rent was cheap!

HD:  Or we canines say, “Puppy wise, pound foolish”.

M:  Do you?

 

 

(A night in March.  Just after midnight.  A man was sleeping in his bedroom.  His dog was sleeping in his basket at the foot of his master’s bed.  Suddenly, the dog woke up, pricking his ears.)

His Dog:  … (Listening) Master!  …Master!

Man:  (Half asleep) Ummm…Richie…?

HD:  (Getting up) Master!!  Someone is in the kitchen!!

M:  (Woke up) What?

HD:  I can hear a strange noise from your kitchen.  I have to go to investigate.

M:  (Got up, listening) I cannot hear anything.  The kitchen makes various noises all the time, Richie.  A fridge, a boiler….  Maybe it is wind outside.

HD:  No, Master.  None of those, I am sure.  It must be a burglar or…a ghost!

M:  Ghost?  Ha, ha.  No, no, Richie… (listening) …yes, yes, Richie!!  I can hear a strange noise!!

(The man jumped out of his bed, his dog was already standing by the closed door.)

M:  It sounds like crumpling papers.  Let’s go and see, Richie.  But be quiet, we should not be noticed.

(The man and his dog carefully approached the kitchen.  It hardly took time as the flat was small.)

(It was dark.  From the entrance, neither the man nor his dog could see anything.  They looked at each other, holding their breath.  Then they nodded.  The next moment, the man put the light on, his dog jumping into the kitchen.)

(There was nobody.  Now it was completely quiet.  They were baffled.)

M:  No one.  Nothing is moved.  Everything is where it was before….

(The man walked around the kitchen, examining.)

M:  No sign of break-in.  No sign even of anything was disturbed.

(The dog was now sniffing around the kitchen, both on the floor and on the worktop.)

HD:  Master!  There are crumbs scattered around your bread.

M:  The bread is sealed.  I have not opened it.

HD:  And…look!  There is a small hole in your bread bag.

M:  What?

HD:  Look, here, your bread loaf.  There is a tiny hole in the outer plastic bag.  I can smell some creature.  (Sniffing) Who is this?

M:  (Handling the loaf of bread, which was in a plastic bag and sealed.)  Oh, yes, a tiny hole about 1 inch diameter.  You can barely put your fingers in.  Yes, I can see the crumbs scattered around and underneath where the bread was.  (Thinking).

I know!  The bread is the culprit.  I bought this from a supermarket today.  There must have been some little insect hidden in the bag.  These things happen, particularly with supermarket-bought food.  The insect happened to slip into the bag in the factory and stayed there waiting for a chance to escape.  When everyone had gone to sleep, it was dark and quiet.  The creature made a great escape in the middle of the night!!

HD:  (Unapprovingly) A good try, Master.  But that deduction is wrong.

M:  Why?  It is a very likely scenario.  I have heard a lot of stories like this.  Look at this hole, Richie.  It is so tiny that only a small insect can get out from here.

HD:  Maybe…if the creature was in the bag.  But you can also make a hole from outside the bag.

M:  What?  What do you mean?

HD:  I mean, yes, it is possible there was some creature in the bag and escaped from there.  It is also possible, however, the creature attacked the bag from outside.

M:  But there is no other creature than you and me here!  I don’t think you aim at a bread loaf when you are fed with better thing.

HD:  Of course, it was not I!!  Let me tell you, Master, what I have smelled.

M:  Yes…?

HD:  Rodents.

M:   Nooooooooooooooooo!!!  There is no rodent in my kitchen!!  It is neat and clean.  I have never had any rodent in my flat!!

HD:  I am sorry, Master, but this is your first encounter with the rodent then.

M:  But there is no sign of entry.

HD:  Those creatures are very discreet.  They never leave any sign.  And they can go in and out through any small holes and cavities.  They are not like us, Master.  Believe me, my nose is impeccable.

M:  Well, I know that.  …Oh, my God!!

HD:  Let us see, Master.  The culprit normally comes back to the scene of a successful crime.  They should be back again tonight trying to have some more bites of food.  We will wait and watch.

M:  Alright.  But we have to be discreet, too.  Otherwise they won’t come.  Tonight, Richie, we pretend to go to bed and be asleep.  No food exposed.  Keep the light off and listen to what they do!

(That night.  About 2 o’clock in the morning.  There came some cluttering noise from the kitchen.  This time, it was something like metals cracking.)

M & HD:  (Getting up from their beds) Here they are!!

(The man and his dog quietly approached the kitchen.  Now they could sense some movements there, though could not see the movements.)

(After a while, a man suddenly flashed the light on.)

M & HD:  Good gracious!!

(There were several mice in the kitchen.  One is panickingly climbing up and down the boiler pipes.  Another is jumping from the ceiling onto the worktop.  Some were just running about swiftly on the floor.  There are a few sitting on the boiler, for, perhaps, it was nice and warm there.  It was cold outside.  The metallic sound they made was with the metal boiler parts.  Then, in a matter of a second, they all jumped into the small cavity made around the boiler pipes on the floor and disappeared.)

M:  (Shocked) …!!!

HD:  See?  Just as I have said.

M:  Oh, my…oh, my….  This is serious, Richie!  We have a serious problem!!

HD:  Please, Master, do not bring a cat.

M:  What?

HD:  I cannot stand cats.  They may be harmless but I do not like them.  I cannot get on with them living in the same house.

M:  What are you talking about?

HD:  I mean the best answer to the mice problem, as anyone can tell you, to keep a cat.  It is mice’s nemesis.  The archenemy.  If there is a cat, the place is mice-free.

M:  Well, that is true.

HD:  Yes, but please do not bring a cat into this house.

M:  Of course not, Richie.  I have no intention to keep a cat.

HD:  Thank you.

M:  But I have to do something about this.  Ah, it is Friday night, as always, or Saturday morning, rather.  Either way, a weekend!!  How many times I have told you, Richie, an accident always happen on weekends.  Which means we cannot do anything until the beginning of the next week.

At least 2 more nights, 2 more nights should be spent with those mice.  All the food is in the fridge or cupboard.  That is OK.  I cannot sleep when they make such a noise with the boiler, though.

HD:  I will be in the kitchen all night.  I am not a cat, but I am sure they do not come near the dog either.  They fear us.  I will keep watch for you, Master.

M:  It is very good of you to say that, Richie.  But that is not enough.  The mice should be exterminated.  Otherwise, they are most certainly coming back later.  Not only that, they procreate.  We never know how quickly they propagate.  You know, Richie.  They carry poisons and diseases.  We have to stop this!!

HD:  What would you do, then, Master?

M:  I will call the Council first thing on Monday.  The Council is responsible for pest control.  Mice are pests, you know.  I will ask them to send someone here to eradicate them.

HD:  Is this “eradication” safe for a dog?

M:  It should be.  The point is you should not eat anything the Council people bring.  OK?  Or even come close to it.  They normally bring poisons for the mice to eat.  They may not kill you, Richie, but may cause you sickness.  I hope you understand, Richie?

HD:  Well, I understand.  I am a good dog.

M:  Good.  Let’s keep the light on in the kitchen tonight.  If it is lit, they may not come.

(That night.  Although the light was on in the kitchen, neither the man nor his dog could go into sleep.  No mice came before midnight, but they stayed up and awake as if they were waiting for the mice to appear.)

(Just after midnight, the mice’s party began.  Although there was no food to eat, or perhaps because of that, they came running about in the kitchen, making a lot of noise.)

HD:  I think they are looking for some food.

M:  I think so.

HD:  But there are no food, therefore, they are desperate.  I am sure they are very hungry.

M:  Probably.  They do not mind even if the light is on.

Anyway, as far as this midnight party is going on, I cannot have a wink of sleep, Richie.

(The next day.  The man came home from work.  He showed to his dog what he bought on his way back.)

M:  Look, Richie.  Someone recommended me this.  This is an electric device which repels the rodent.  I bought it from the shop near the station.  Just plug this into a socket, it will emit both ultrasonic sound and electromagnetic wave, which irritate the mice.  They never come near it.  Farewell to the mice, hooray!

HD:  (Anxiously) This “ultra-something-hound”…, does it not irritate the “ordinary” canine, like me?

M:  What?  …Ah, ultrasound, you mean.  Oh, no!  I have asked that, of course.  The shop keeper said this was completely harmless to both the human and the canine, including babies and puppies.  No need for you to worry.

M:  Good.

(The man plugged the repellent into one of the sockets in the kitchen.)

M:  Hopefully, this is the end.  No more mice tonight!

HD:  I seriously hope so….

(It was about 6 o’clock in the evening.  The sun was set but there still was a little light.  People were out and about in the city, which was quite active as commuters head to home.  The man was changing in his bedroom, his dog sitting nearby.  The dog’s ears were pricked.)

(There came the sound of commotion from the kitchen.  They both rushed into it.  Now the mice were there, though it was still early evening.)

M:  Oh, Richie.  Now they come even when we are awake!!

HD:  They seem to like this “ultra-hound”!

M:  They shouldn’t!  Oh, dear…the device does not work at all!!

HD:  ….

(On Monday, the man telephoned the Council and asked the pest control.  They said a man would come the next day.)

(Tuesday.  The Council man came as arranged.  He brought out poisons from his bag, and put a lot of baits all over the kitchen floor.)

Council man:  Are you sure your dog is alright with these?

M:  Quite sure.  He is well trained.

C:  Alright, then.  We have just put a lot of baits here.  Let me put some in other rooms, too.

M:  I don’t want the mice in my bedroom!

C:  No, no, they normally stay in the kitchen.  But just in case, sir, just in case.

M:  OK.  Now, here are the baits, which will kill the mice.

C:  Yes, sir.

M:  That is good.  But that also means we are a sort of…inviting the mice to come in here to eat them.

C:  To die, yes.

M:  Are you telling me to endure the mice another night?

C:  I’m afraid yes, sir.  A few more nights.  We have to kill them.

M:  A few more nights?

C:  It takes 4 to 6 nights for the poison to be effective.

M:  I understand.  But what about blocking the hole where they are coming in?

C:  We will do that later.  Listen, sir, if we block the hole now, the mice may not come into your kitchen anymore.  Instead, they survive and make a mess elsewhere.  That is not good.  Our aim is to exterminate them from the borough.

M:  That is all very well for the Council.  But for me, I should just like my flat to be mice-free!!

C:  I am sorry, sir, but you have to follow our usual procedure.  Let me explain.  This is a 6 weeks plan, during which time we visit you 3 times.  We put the baits today.  I will come back 4 weeks later to see if the poisons were duly eaten.  On that occasion, I will block all the possible holes and cavities in your flat, so that they will never be able to come in again.  Then 2 weeks later, that is 6 weeks from today, we will come back to retrieve the baits.  There ends the procedure.

M:  (Shocked) …!!!  6 weeks!  6 weeks, you said?  I have to endure the mice 6 more weeks?

C:  Oh, don’t worry, sir.  That is the day we retrieve the baits.  The mice will die down long before that.

M:  How long?

C:  It takes 5 to 7 days, usually.

M:  You want me to bear with the mice, so that my neighbours will not suffer, for another week?

C:  I’m afraid, yes, sir.  They have to eat the baits to die.  To eat the baits, they have to come here.  Thank you very much for your cooperation, sir.

M:  Good grief….  I have had a few sleepless nights already and have to have 5 or 7 more….

C:  I am sorry, sir.  Here, I give you my mobile number.  If the situation escalates or gets really intolerable, just call me.  I will come and do what I can.

M:  OK….  Thank you for coming.

(The Council man went to the front door, the man and his dog followed to see him off.)

C:  A-ha.  I can see some builder’s tools left in front of your neighbour’s door.  Are they doing some work next door, sir?

M:  Oh, I haven’t noticed that.  But perhaps they are.  Maybe some refurbishment is going on.

HD:  I know that, Master.  I have heard the noises workmen made.

C:  I see.  I can tell you, sir, that is the cause of the mice’s sudden appearance in your flat.  Moving, building work and refurbishment, these always upset the mice which had been living there.  They were disturbed and fled to a quieter place for their own safety.

M:  Really?   Oh, I hate my neighbor.  I wish I could give the mice back to him!  Instead, I will be human bait myself in order to save him and all my neighbours!

C:  Don’t worry, sir.  You all will be alright before long.

M:  I do hope so.

C:  Good luck, sir.

(The Council man left.  The man looked at his dog, who has been sitting silently by his master’s side all through this episode, listening intently to every word the two men uttered.)

M:  Oh, Richie….  What an unlucky man I am!  I am the martyr.

HD:  Cheer up, Master!!  I am here with you!  It is not the end of the world!!

M:  No, Richie, no…not the end of the world….

HD:  I may even have some fun!  Chasing mice sounds interesting!!

M:  Oh, Richie, you are always a happy soul.

(Similar situations continued for about a week.  The man’s sister heard his predicament and came to console him, bringing a pot of flowers as a gift.  She put the flower pot on the kitchen counter, before making sure to leave the flat swiftly without setting her eyes on any mice.)

HD:  Lovely flowers, Master.  Your sister is sweet.

M:  Well, women love flowers.  I am not a good gardener, and I hope the flowers will be alright in my hands.  Hey, at least they have brightened up this miserable kitchen of mine!

HD:  Exactly.

(The next morning.  It was about 7 o’clock and sun was shining brightly.  The man and his dog came into the kitchen to get some breakfast.)

HD:  (Horrified) Master!!

M:  What?  …Oh, my God!!

(There were the mice around the flower pot trying to eat flowers.  Frightened to see the man and his dog entering, they ran away back into the hole, smashing the flower pot onto the kitchen floor on their way out, which destroyed the entire flowers.)

HD:  I did not know the mice ate flowers!

M:  (Quivering with anger) Enough!!  I’ve had enough.  I cannot stand any longer.  No more mice in this flat!  I don’t care they survive or not.  They should have eaten the poison by now anyway!

(During lunch time, the man called the Council man’s mobile, explaining what happened.)

C:  Goodness heaven!  That is unusual!  I am coming to you this afternoon.  Are you there, sir?

M:  Yes, I am.  I am waiting for you. Please come.

(A few hours later, the conscientious Council man came with a grave face.  The man showed him the poor destroyed flowers.)

C:  I am blocking the holes right now.  This is upsetting.

(The Council man set about blocking all the holes and cavities in the flat, including bathroom and the cabinet, where some pipes are.)

M:  It is a week since we put the baits.  They came every night.  Why are they still around?  Until yesterday, there was no food other than the poisons.  They must surely have eaten them already?

C:  They must have.  But they should eat the poison 20% of their body weight.  It takes some time.

M:  I see.  Then if you block the holes now, the mission may not be accomplished.  Are you sure of doing this?

C:  Sir, you have suffered enough.  I think this is the time to do this for you.  We will manage the rest.  We notify all the neighbours anyway and come back doing the same thing for them.  We will win, sooner or later.

(Having finished blocking the holes, his eyes caught sight of the electric repellent in the socket.)

C:  Now, this electric device.  You have to adjust these switches according to the pest and also every now and then.  There are rodent mode and insect mode.  Also it is vital to change the wave length every week, so that the mice will not accustom themselves.

M:  Oh, I didn’t know that!

C:  Yeah, the problem is normally no written instructions come with these repellents.  People don’t know how to use it properly.  It is OK now, sir.

M:  Oh, thank you.  You have been most helpful.  And it is really kind of you to come straight away without appointment.  I am very grateful.

C:  My pleasure.  I love helping people.

(The Council man left.)

HD:  Wow, he is a hero!

M:  You took the words out of my mouth!  It is rather refreshing, isn’t it, Richie, to meet a genuinely nice person, for a change, who goes the extra mile out of his way to help others?

HD:  Agreed, Master!  I remember there is a saying that “the true heroes are those that go that extra mile for others to give a helping paw”.

M:  Helping hand, you mean?

HD:  Maybe…or if you insist….

 

 

 

(An evening.  A man and his dog were in the living room.  The man switched off the TV.)

Man:  Ah, all these cowboys.  You see, Richie?  There are cowboys everywhere in this country now.  Dreadful, really dreadful!  They make prey of innocent people, the elderly in particular.

His Dog:  I have never seen any horse in my neighbourhood, let alone a cowboy, Master.

M:  Oh, no, Richie…ha, ha, ha….  Not that cowboy.  I meant cowboy builders and engineers.  There are a lot of rogue traders, going around houses offering services of building and repair work, of which they have no knowledge or experience at all.  We call these cowboys, you know.  They are complete amateurs who offer most dubious services to unsuspecting people, usually, in exchange for a lot of money.  People not only lose money but also have more problems than necessary, on top of the one they have already had.  They are swindlers of the worst kind.

HD:  Gosh!  I thought they were those who came riding on horses with wide-brimmed hats!  I saw them in American films.

M:  Ha, ha, yeah, that is the American version.  In the UK, cowboys are dodgy workmen who ripped you off with botched jobs around the house.  We call them cowboys, probably because they are reckless and unreliable.  Or maybe because they come in from nowhere, make a mess, and disappear into the sunset!

HD:  That is an insult!!

M:  What?  Why are you so angry, Richie?  Have you ever had a cowboy friend…?

HD:  No, I have not.  But you said they were doggy.  I meant that was an insult!!

M:  Oh, no, Richie, no.  I said they were dodgy, not doggy.  Please calm down.

HD:  That is good.

Anyway, you said they were everywhere.  Have you met one?

M:  Have I met a cowboy?  Of course, I have.  Plenty of them.

HD:  Have you?  Did they make a mess in your place?

M:  Oh, yes.  More than once.  I tell you, Richie, sometimes they can even ruin your life, either financially or psychologically.  I am lucky as I have managed to survive all the time!

HD:  Tell me about your cowboy experience, Master.  I will be the judge.

M:  Ha, ha, OK.  Let me see…which story shall I tell you…?  Ah, I know.  The funniest one.

Well, it started just before Christmas.  You have to bear with me, Richie, but an accident always happens on weekend or during holiday time.

HD:  Yes, I know!  The basket delivery!  I remember the story.

M:  Exactly.  It happened a few Christmases before that particular Christmas.  I was renting a small flat in London as I have told you.  On the Friday before Christmas, my washing machine was broken.  It stopped working.  I dug out the manual and tried as many things as I could to revive it.  No success.  It was not a surprise.  The machine was very old, more than 10 years old without doubt.  It could have had been broken down any time since I first moved in there.  But I thought, “oh, please, not before Christmas!”

HD:  Let us call it Christmess.

M:  That may be right, Richie.

I telephoned my landlord.  In fact I was just in time to catch him.  He said he was going away on holiday abroad from the next day, and would not come back until mid-January.  Of course, he would not!  It was the Friday before Christmas!  I asked him if he could buy me a new machine straight away.  He replied that the plumber had to have a look before he decided to buy the new one or not.  Fair enough.  “Then please call the plumber”, I said.  “Our usual plumber is on holiday from tomorrow as well”, was his reply.  “Really?”  “When will he be back?”  “Mid-January” he answered.

HD:  Typical.  Humans live for holidays….

M:  “Well, OK, I have no washing machine for 4 weeks, before and after Christmas and the New Year.”  You may not know, Richie, but in the human world this is the time when people wash things more than any other time of year.  We like to celebrate Christmas and the New Year with clean clothes, linens and, as for some people, even curtains.  We have visitors.  We have parties.  A lot to wash, naturally.  And it is the busiest time of year.  No time for frequent visits to launderette.  It is the time when washing machines are most needed!

HD:  Poor machines….  High expectations are often too much for some.

M:  What…?

I explained this to my landlord.  And told him even if I had waited him or the plumber to come back, they would only start deciding then whether to repair or to buy.  It was already 4 weeks ahead but it would be 5 or 6 in that case before I could actually use a washing machine again.  “I cannot wait”, I insisted.  “What would you like me to do?”  Retorted the landlord.  “I am away.  I cannot do anything”.  “Yes, you can”, I said.  “First of all, the machine here is very old.  It is much cheaper and wiser to buy a new one than trying to repair it.  Secondly, there is no need for you to be here to buy a new washing machine.  These days, you can buy it online, pay it online, and arrange it online to be delivered anywhere you like.  It is easily done from abroad with just a few clicks on computer or even with your phone.  You can ask the shop not only to deliver and install but also to dispose of the old machine for a small charge.”

HD:  That is pawy.

M:  The landlord got emotional.  “I cannot do such a thing!  You should just wait!”  I thought it was unfair.  It was his responsibility.  “The machine is a part of the flat and a part of my rent!” I said.  Hearing this remark, the landlord suddenly became silent.  Finally, he said, “I will see what I can do”.  Thank God.

HD:  Good boy, the landlord.

M:  A few days passed.  Nothing happened.  Now there was no hope of the machine coming before Christmas.  “Oh, well, I knew that.”  I waited a few more days.  Patiently.  Considering the landlord was on holiday.  Now Christmas and Boxing Day have gone.  By then I had been washing the minimum by hand.  A week passed.  No hope now to have the machine before the New Year.  I had not heard from the landlord at all.  I emailed him…to eventually find out he had done nothing yet. I deplored him to act.

HD:  Not such a good boy, after all.

M:  Then just before the end of the year, his son telephoned me.  It was unexpected.  He said he was in London on holiday and was asked by his father to buy a washing machine for me.  That was kind, I thought.  I thanked him and told him to inform me the delivery date so that I could be at home to receive it.  The next day, he called again and said he bought a machine and ordered the delivery and installation as well as the disposal of the old machine.  Fantastic!  How kind of him to do all this during his holiday for me, or actually, for his father.  He was much more efficient than his father, too.  He said the delivery was due on the 6th January.  He apologised me about the delay, explaining that was the earliest possible date he could get for the delivery.  Quite understandable.  It was the end of year and we had New Year’s Day.  I said I was very grateful to him and prepared to wait another week.

HD:  Good boy, the son.

M:  Now it was the 6th January.  The delivery time was assigned in 2 hours’ slot and mine was 9am to 11am.  Good.  I did not have to wait all day.  But of course, they did not come during the arranged time.  They came at 12pm.  “Well, still not bad”, I thought.  I showed them the old machine.  They confirmed it was broken.  “Please take this away and bring the new one in then”, I said.  Now, what do you think they said to this, Richie?

HD:  “You cannot teach an old machine new tricks”, perhaps?

M:  Ha, ha, that is good, Richie.

No.  They said they could not do that!  “What?  Why?”  I exclaimed.  “Because”, they answered, “we had no access to the integral parts either to disconnect or install the machine.”  “What?  What do you mean?  What access?”  “The kitchen cupboard is the problem”, was their reply.  “What kitchen cupboard?  What are you talking about?”  “Well”, they said, “you have made a kitchen cupboard over the parts of the washing machine integral to the connection.  It completely covers them and blocks the access.  Unless you dismantle the kitchen cupboard, we cannot reach the parts.”  “Whaaat?”  “Can you dismantle it?”  They asked me.  “Of course I cannot.  This is not my flat.  I cannot dismantle the cupboard without the landlord’s permission.”  “Well, then, ask him to do that first.  Call the plumber and remove the obstacle, then we will be back to do our job.”  “You cannot disconnect the old machine?”  “No.”  “Because of the kitchen cupboard?”  “Yes.”  “Then what about the new machine?  You have brought it, haven’t you?”  “Yes, we have.  But we cannot install it, therefore, we will take it back with us.”  “Whaaat?  Then for what purpose have you come?”  “Well, to tell you, or your landlord to do the necessary work, that is the removal of the cupboard, before asking us to do anything with your washing machines.”

HD:  What a curious logic!

M:  You know, Richie, this was ridiculous.  They were trying to say the kitchen cupboard was made after the washing machine was installed.  That was unthinkable.  Who would do such a silly thing to build a cupboard over the washing machine blocking the access to it?  But it was not my flat.  I did not know for sure.  Both the cupboard and the machine were already there when I arrived.  I could not say anything more before talking to my landlord.

There they left.  Without doing anything!!  Well, actually, worse.  One of them asked me to let him use the bathroom, which I did not refuse.  He used my bathroom and said the ventilator was too noisy and the flat was too tiny!   “Shut up!!” I thought.  “None of your business!!  Give me my washing machine, or go away!!”  Now the old washing machine was still sitting there uselessly.  The new machine was gone back with them to the deposit.  Despite the fact my landlord’s son had paid for both installation and disposal.  In short, nothing was done.  Oh, my God.

HD:  Umm…“keep a dog and bark yourself” situation….

M:  …??

I contacted both the landlord and his son explaining what had happened.  They were astonished.  “What a load of crap!  They were just lazy.  Of course the cupboard was there before the washing machine was installed.  And the machine is not our first.  We have replaced it before without any difficulty.  They just made up an excuse not to do their work.  The lazy crooks!”

HD:  Our hind legs.

M:  What?

Anyway, it was made clear they lied when we telephoned the shop.  They said it was customary to write the reason of a failed delivery down on the paperwork but there was no such reference.  The customer service apologised and said they would arrange another delivery.  I asked the delivery date.  They said the next possible date was the 15th January.  “Whaaat???  Another 9 days?  Why does it take so long?”  “Because we are very busy now after Christmas.”  “But it is your fault, not ours, you should do it more quickly.” “Sorry, sir, but that is the best we can do.”  “Well…if you cannot, you cannot.  OK, what is the time of the delivery?”  “Between 7am and 9pm, sir.”  “OK, 7 to 9 in the morning.”  “No, sir, no.  It is between 7 in the morning and 9 in the evening.”  “Whaaat???  That is all day!!  I cannot wait all day.  You could deliver in 2 hours’ slot for the first delivery, why can’t you do the same for the second?  It is your delivery men who were lazy.  If you feel sorry, why don’t you at least arrange a more convenient delivery time?”

HD:  Fair enough.

M:  Well, they agreed to do this, at least.  The re-delivery was arranged on the 15th from 7 to 9 in the morning.  Unsociably early, I know, but there you are.  The problem, however, had not been solved yet.

When the shop contacted the delivery company, they insisted they could not disconnect or install the washing machines unless the kitchen cupboard would properly be removed.  If this work would not have been done, they could still come but just leave doing nothing as before.

The shop manager, by this time, Richie, I was talking to the manager, who had no power or authority, or even pride as a manager, could not say anything to the delivery company.  He just asked us to dismantle and get rid of the cupboard.

HD:  Clearly, he was not the top dog.

M:  My landlord did not want to do that, naturally, and refused to call the plumber.  For his part, as the fee was already paid, the machine should be installed by the people whom his son had paid.  Quite.

I was beginning to be panicked.  “This does not go anywhere.  The folly goes on forever.  I need my washing machine!”

HD:  An impressive build-up to the climax.

M:  Now, I decided to take an initiative.  I know the number of the landlord’s plumber from the previous incident.  The landlord said the plumber would be on holiday, but he might be back by then.  To me it was clear that the best and only way to avoid further disappointment was to call the plumber, ask him to disconnect the broken machine before the crooks came, and ask him to come back later to install the new one after the crooks brought it.  A ridiculous double job for the plumber, I know, but nothing else would do.  I telephoned the plumber and explained the situation.  He was there, by the way, not on holiday at all, and was kind enough to agree to do what I had asked.  He was sure that the delivery men were making a story.

On the day the conscientious plumber came before 7am, disconnected the old washing machine with ease.  It took only about 15 minutes.  No need to dismantle the kitchen cupboard, obviously.  He left, promising to come back when I called again.

HD:  Good boy, the plumber!

M:  At about 9am, the delivery came.  The men were different from the ones who came before.  They saw the detached washing machine and took it to their van.  No mention of the kitchen cupboard, although it was still there.  Then they carried the new machine in.  They reluctantly started trying to install it when I said that was not necessary.  They were visibly delighted. Again, no mention of the removal of the cupboard.   There they left without any mention of the strange case of the disappearing or non-disappearing kitchen cupboard.

HD:  The case itself disappeared, not the cupboard….

M:  Exactly.

The plumber came back later.  He installed the new washing machine without difficulty.  The kitchen cupboard intact, of course.  “It is not unusual”, he said.  “We are called to do this sort of job more and more these days.  There are a lot of cowboys around.”

HD:  A-ha!

M:  The plumber sent the invoice to my landlord, naturally, and told him the whole story.  The landlord had no choice but paying him.  Thanks to the kind and capable plumber, I had my washing machine at last.  It was exactly 4 weeks since my old one was broken.  The rogue delivery men prolonged the period considerably.

HD:  Now that was cowboyish!

M:  I told you.

 

(A weekday evening.  A man was cooking in his kitchen.  His dog sat nearby watching.)

Man:  (Humming) La, laaa, la, la, la, laaa…Laaa, la, la, la, laaa….

His Dog:  You are in a good mood today, Master.

M:  Um?   Ah, Richie…am I?

HD:  You seldom hum like that.  A good day at work?

M:  Oh, no.  Not particularly.  This is the tune I have just learned.

HD:  Learned?

M:  Yeah, Richie.  I went to a singing lesson today.  It was great!

HD:  Singing lesson??  That is very unusual.  I have never heard of you having a lesson in music.  I thought you went to work today.

M:  Ha, ha, ha, Richie, yes, of course I went to work.  But in my lunch break, I went to the Opera House for a one-off singing lesson.

HD:  Opera!!??  …Are you alright, Master, …may I ask…?

M:  What?  Of course, I am alright, quite alright.  What is the matter if I sing an opera?

HD:  No, Master, of course, no matter.   It is just…not very much like you.  I thought it was not your kind of thing, the opera….

M:  Ha, hah!  You are right.  I am not usually an opera person.  But, you know, I love music!

HD:  The music of different kinds, perhaps…?

M:  Yes, but sometimes the different genres merge.  Today’s lesson was one of the best of those sorts!  That was why I went, Richie.

Alright, the supper is ready.   Whilst we are eating, I will tell you my lovely experience!

HD:  I am all ears, Master!

 

M:  The Opera House’s main function is, obviously, performing well-known traditional operas.  But actually they do a lot of other things.  Mainly to attract a new audience, or sometimes as a service to the community.  One of these is an occasional informal singing lesson, to which anyone can attend, regardless of ability or experience.

HD:  Wow!

M:  They charge you, naturally, but it is only £5!  It is a big group singing, therefore, no fear or no complex.  All sorts of people come.  From a very young schoolboy to a retired lady in her 80s.  A good mixture of men and women, the young and the old.  Some may be semi-professionals, like students from music colleges.  Some are complete novices, like me.  We just come to enjoy ourselves, no less, no more!

HD:  Sounds great!!  But you sing…er…, Puccini, Verdi or possibly Wagner…I fear…?

M:  Hey, I don’t blame you, Richie, if you think like that.

Yes, probably, most of the time they do sing those.  But we didn’t, today.  Several times a year, they have this mass singing lesson, open to the public.  Normally, the song is chosen from the opera they are performing at the time.  At the moment, they are performing a modern opera of 1930s by a German composer.  I believe it’s a dark satire.  The songs from it are exactly the kind of songs which young rock musicians of 1960s and 70s, who were rebels, would love.

HD:  Aha…!  Now I understand.

M:  Richie, you know I admired Bowie as a young boy.  In my teens, he was one of my heroes.  He was, and still is, I must say, just so cool.  Always ahead of time, innovative, clever and extremely talented.  The good looks help largely as well.  When I was a school boy, I would go to his concert with my mother.  She and I would dance and sing to his songs together, mesmerised.

HD:  Wow!  Your mum was cool!!

M:  Yeah, she was not an ordinary mum, you know.  Anyway, my sister didn’t understand Bowie.  My father had no interest.  Therefore, mum and I went together!   She was another of his fans.  We would dress…sort of…quite appropriately, I can tell you, have a packed lunch of fish fingers and coleslaw, and have jolly good time!!

HD:  I have found a new respect for your mother.

M:  Ha, ha, she would be pleased!

Anyway, back to the subject.  The song we learned today was a song from that 1930’s opera, called Alabama, which Bowie featured in his record in the 70’s and loved singing in his concerts even much later.  The cool stuff.  You feel like you were temporarily a Bowie.

HD:  (“I hope this does not go on in this direction….”)

M:  As for the lesson, it was a proper lesson.  An Opera House instructor, a piano accompaniment in a large hall with high ceilings.  We started with some physical exercises.

HD:  Oh, I should love that!  Like a fetch?

M:  Er…actually, no, exercises of a different kind.  We moved our shoulders, arms, hands and feet.  We did stretch.  Swung our bodies, stamped the floor and jumped.  Then some massage.

HD:  Massage?

M:  Yes, Richie.  A face massage.  We used our hands to relax the facial muscles.  Moved our jaw, mouth and tongue.  Now, Richie, it got a little difficult and complicated here.  The instructor gave us various commands what to move and what not to.  Like, say, “move your tongue without moving your jaw”, and so on.  Oh, Richie…!  You are really good at it!!

HD:  Thank you, Master.  Our tongue moves freely.

M:  It seems so.

Now we had to accompany our voice to this.  No jaw movement, just our tongue, uttering voice with various tones.  …Oh, no, Richie, stop it!!

HD:  I think I was rather good.

M:  Yes, you were.  But we are eating!

HD:  Sorry, Master.

M:  Well, then we had to work as a pair.  All of us made a pair with the person next to us, regardless we knew each other or not.  We each hold the other’s jaw, so that it should not move, and utter various tunes, something akin to singing, with just our tongues moving.  Now it got a bit comical here.  We all laughed.  But quite serious at the same time.  Encouraging each other, we practiced.  Each pair looked at other pairs and laughed.  You could feel rather nice camaraderie here.  A good community spirit.  By the time we finished our warm-ups, we all feel like friends.

HD:  Great!!

M:  Yeah, nice feelings!  Then finally, we started singing the song, each having the sheet in hands.  Phrase by phrase, we practiced.   After all the warm-ups, your voice somehow came more easily than usual.  We strangely felt confident.  That really helped our progress.  I think the instructor was very good and experienced.   It was not long before we had all mastered Alabama.

There I sang, like Heroes, you know, the good old 70’s cover by Bowie.   Well, it is actually a song from 30’s opera, but for me….

HD:  Yes, Master, I understand.

M:   It was exhilarating.  Exercises and singing…it was quite liberating, too, Richie, in the midst of busy everyday life!

HD:  Yes, I can imagine.  I totally agree with you, Master, except…perhaps, it was rather more like Absolute Beginners than Heroes, in your case, I suppose….

M:  What?

 

 

#  This piece is based on the event happened in spring 2015, before David Bowie’s courageous demise.  RIP the great man, thank you.

 

 

 

Man:  Listen, Richie.  Tomorrow, I have to go to Edinburgh on business, which is the capital of Scotland.  A beautiful city, which I am sure you would like, but far north.  I have to stay overnight and come back the next day in the evening.  I should love to take you, Richie, but I cannot.  It’s a quick business trip, which I hope you understand.

His Dog:  I understand.  I am a good dog.

M:  Good.  Now, whilst I am there, you need meals and walks.  So I have asked my sister, whom you met briefly before, to come here to look after you.

HD:  OK.  I will be a good dog and look after her.

M:  What?

HD:  I just said I would be a good boy.

M:  Great.  I will bring something nice back for you, Richie.

Remember, behave yourself!

HD:  You can trust me that she will.

 

(Next evening.  The dog and his master’s sister were in the living room, talking after the day spent together.)

Sister:  I can see you are not only more intelligent but much wiser than most humans, Richie.

Dog:  You are too kind, Mistress.

S:  No, really.  Between you and me, Richie, you certainly are far wiser than your master!

D:  I would not say that myself, Mistress.

S:  Ha, ha, and loyal, you are!

D:  That is all about the dog, actually.

S:  And funny, too!

D:  It is canine nature to look at the bright side of everything.

S:  Perhaps you can tell me what I cannot understand in the human world, Richie.

D:  I should be delighted to help you!

S:  Well, Richie, what has always puzzled me is men’s psychology.  By men, I mean human males, you know.

D:  I agree that they are strange.

S:  Do you?  That is promising.  Men lie, don’t they?

D:  So do women, I am afraid.  That is human, if you permit me to say so, Mistress.

S:  OK, yes.  But their mind changes like the English weather.  I don’t know how to trust them.

D:  I understand you have had unhappy experiences, dear Mistress.

S:  I have.  Perhaps you can tell me what they are thinking, Richie, and what I should do with them.

D:  I am not sure about the former, but I am sure to help you with the latter.

S:  Ha, ha…that is good!  Thank you, Richie.

Well…, I am not young, you know, I am your master’s elder sister.  But am still single.   I have no boyfriend.  Men are mystery to me, Richie.  They are inscrutable.  I have met several guys but they were all the same.  They all left me suddenly and I was puzzled.  I have no idea what wrong I had done to deserve this.

D:  It is probable you have done nothing wrong, but let me hear your story.

S:  It has always been the same story.  But let me tell you my most recent experience, Richie, and you will tell me what you think.

D:  I am ready!

S:  Well, I met the man when I was volunteering for a charity at one of the organisation’s parties.  He came to me and introduced himself.  He gave me some complements on what I had done to the charity and said he had wanted to see me.  He was nice, you know, kind, smiling with good manners and generally tried his best to impress me.  We talked about our charity.  He seemed to be a decent man with compassion and understanding.  Then we had lovely conversations about our interests, like music, travel, books and films, and so on.  It was enjoyable.  He was eager to see me again.  We exchanged our telephone numbers.

I thought he was lovely but nothing more particularly.  But he telephoned me, after that, every day.  Telling me what he did, what he thought, you know, just chatting.  His stories were interesting and I enjoyed talking to him.

We arranged to meet again.  Had lunch together and went for a nice walk in the park.  We talked about our respective jobs, friends, families, and our childhoods.  We had quite a good time, realising we had a lot in common, though, of course, we were very different, too.  I thought he was genuine and honest.  We liked each other.  I am sure the feelings were mutual.  I thought we could be good friends, though I was not sure we could be a couple.

D:  Very sensible.  “Haste makes waste”, so they say.

S:  What an intellectual dog you are, Richie!!

D:  You are very kind, Mistress.

S:  Now, then, he started calling me in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening.  I mean more than a few times a day.  Nothing intrusive, not a long call, but just to tell me where he was and what he was doing.  He also asked me what I was doing, to which I answered casually.  Nothing special, but he kept calling me like this day by day, actually he called me even whilst walking to and from his office.  He said I was attractive, pretty, had a lovely smile which made him happy.  You know, all sorts of nice things.

D:  Men are very complementary when they want something from you.  So are women, normally.

S:  Ha, ha, Richie, so true, perhaps!

We started exchanging long emails as well.  Although our locations and work commitments prevented us from meeting up every week, we talked a lot every day and began to know each other rather well.  We were now talking about private things, too.  Our health, problems in family and naturally, past experiences in love.  He was honest about his own, so was I.

D:  Good.  “No legacy is so Richie as honesty”, it is said.

S:  Wow, Richie, that is Shakespeare!  You are amazing!  Although it is “no legacy is so rich as honesty”, in fact, you know.

D:  Oh, is it?

S:  Anyway, I said to him, quite frankly, I thought we could be really good friends as we understood each other well, but was not sure we could make a good couple as we had led rather different lives up until then.  To this remark, he responded earnestly, that he did not agree.  He said he could see no problem at all in us becoming a lovely couple.  “Yes, we might be different in a way, but had much in common, too”.  Anyway, he would try his best to keep me happy, he said.  He was very keen.

We met again.  Went driving by his car.  We went to the sea.  An outstanding view.  It was breathtaking.   We walked along the shore hand in hand.  He was considerate, asking me every now and then if I felt OK.  We had tea in an archaic little café.  Talked a lot.  Walked more.  Arm in arm.  Then back to town to have dinner by candlelight.  We talked about next holiday.  He said, let us do this, do that, you know, visit lovely places, have nice meals and see beautiful things together.  It was romantic.  At the end of the day, I thanked him for a lovely day.

D:  Sounds to me a really good day out, I agree.

S:  Yes, Richie, it was.  After that day, he wrote to me saying that he was thinking about me all the time and wondering what I thought of him.  You know, Richie, men try doing this until finally you show your real interest in them.  But I had had some bitter experiences before, so, the next time we met I confessed to him.  I was very fond of him.  But it always had been like that.  Men started things.  Very keenly.  Till I fell for them.  Then after a while, they inevitably changed their mind.  Somehow.  I had no idea what was wrong.  But they just disappeared.  Without any words.  Left me hurt.  Inexplicably.

D:  Oh, my God….  I know what it is like.

S:  Of course…, Richie, you were abandoned by your previous owner….

D:  Yes…but your brother picked me later!  I am happy!

S:  Oh, Richie, you are sweet!

Then I told him honestly and plainly.  “I have had enough of those.  I should not like to make the same mistake again.  I don’t want to be hurt any more.  Sorry, I cannot trust you”.

You know, Richie, I was candid.  And what do you think he replied to this?  “That was what always happened to you?  I am sorry.  Well, let us change it now.  I am different.  I am not like all the other men you have met before.  You can trust me.  I will not change.   I don’t know about them but there is no hidden agenda or anything with me.   You can believe what I say as they are.  Now, let us change it all”.  Well, Richie, I must say I was moved.  I was impressed by his earnestness.   I realised I was in love with him.

D:  So was he, I believe.  I know a thing or two about male psychology.

S:  I am not surprised if you say that, as that was what I thought.

He opened his arms, smiling.  I jumped into them.  We held each other tightly.  We were happy, you know.  He even said that my happiness was his!

D:  (Smiling broadly) I have told you he was in love with you.

S:  No, he was not, though…it seemed.  The following day, I plucked up my courage and told him that I was in love with him.

D:  Well done, Mistress!

S:  No, Richie, no, not at all.  This confession had some strange effect on him.  He started to talk of his “problem”.  He did not say what exactly the problem was, but now kept mentioning his “problem” each time we talked.  He said that he had a “dark side”, which I might not like.

D:  Umm…every human has a dark side, I think, and a bright side, of course.

S:  Exactly.  That was my thought.  Naturally, I told him that I had my problem as well, which he might not like.  We all had our problems, I said, still we could love each other.  But he insisted his was difficult.  He was not sure he could overcome it.  Actually, this was not what I had expected to hear, but I told him softly but firmly, “Let me help you.  Let us overcome it together.  Your problem might be difficult for you alone, but if we are two together it could be easier.  We could be stronger.  I am always ready and very happy to help you, whatever the problem is”.

D:  Good girl.  It was your turn to show your earnestness.

S:  Well, by then I was completely in love with him, you know.  Anyway, to my offer of help and cooperation, he replied, rather reluctantly and in a faint voice, “OK, thank you”.

S:  In hindsight, I think that was the beginning of the end.  But at the time I did not realise it.  A few months later, something happened.  He began to be elusive.  The frequency of his phone calls dwindled.  Less emails.  It is now increasingly difficult to catch him.  I must tell you, Richie, we had no quarrels, arguments or disagreements.  I did nothing different.  I had always been loyal and understanding.  No particular incident between us.  It is clear, however, he was now trying to avoid seeing me.  No answer to any questions.  He was never unpleasant or rude.  But clearly, he was a different man.  Just trying his best not to talk to me or have any contact with me.

Then he disappeared.  He didn’t tell me where he would go.  But he was no longer where he used to be.  No reply to telephone messages.  No reply to emails.  Just… vanished.

D:  Goodness…!

S:  I don’t know what happened, but something happened to him, which prompted him to do this.

D:  Not to him, but in him, I should say.

S:  What…?

Anyway, I must tell you, Richie, this was not the first time I had this sort.  If this happens to you once or twice, or even three times, that could be your bad luck.  But if this keeps happening to you all your life, you begin to wonder what wrong you do to men…or more precisely, what is wrong with you, I mean, me!?

D:  I do not think there is anything wrong with you, dear Mistress.

S:  No?  Then why do they do this, Richie?  What do men think?

It is always they who start things.  Choose and approach you.  Try hard to impress you.  Lovely times.  Nice things.  Talk of future.  Then suddenly, it all comes to end.  They change.  Leave me behind shocked and confused.  Without explanation.  Why, I wonder?

Can you imagine, Richie, how much I am hurt?  I am sure you can, as a once abandoned dog.

Tell me, Richie, is there anything in me which prompts this sort of action?  Am I wrong in any way?

D:  Dear Mistress, in my opinion, it is the men who had problems.  You seem to be a nice, kind, caring person.  Of course you must have some shortcomings, we all do.  I have mine, as your brother is ready to tell you.  That does not matter.

It sounds more like that the men you met had something wrong with them.  They had their own problems within them, against which they were struggling.  I do not know what.  They are strange creatures, you know.  Often beyond my comprehension.  But most certainly, those men were troubled.

S:  Troubled?

D:  Yes.  They were not evil sorts, if I may speak up for them.  They were just poor creatures.  I am sure they had no intention to hurt you.  No one ever really wants that, I think, –well, almost….  I know there are evil people, mind you.  But I can tell you, Mistress, there are no such sorts in canine. For that, I thank God.

S:  No, there are not, I am sure.

D:  As for those men you met, however, they were not ready for love, unfortunately, it seems, by some reason.  Not yet, at least.  The awful thing for you, Mistress, was that they themselves had not realised the fact until you made them realise it.  Selfish, yes.  They did not think about your feelings.  Irresponsible, in a way.   Like puppies.  They were so occupied with their own little survival that they could not afford to take other’s lives into account.

S:  ….

D:  I am very sorry for you, Mistress.  But it was not your fault, I assure you.  Let me recommend you to meet some grown-up next time, not a puppy.  Puppies are honest, genuine, often really cute.  And they love a caring person like you.

If you are also a puppy, there may be no problem.  You can just play boisterously together and part when things go wrong.  But you are not a puppy, dear Mistress.  You are a grown-up lady, with intelligence, who has her own views and opinions.  You need a grown-up guy, who knows what he is doing, who does not be afraid to be himself.

The problem is, in human cases, that it does not depend on age, you know.  It depends on each personality, which makes it far more complicated, I am afraid.

S:  Ha, ha, ha, ha…Richie, you are really clever.  Wise, rather.  And…hilarious!!

Thank you, Richie, you have explained it very well.  You have given me insight…and courage, Richie.  I understand why my brother loves you so much.  I think he needs you, for he is a little bit inclined to a puppy side.

D:  My thought exactly, though of course, this is only between you and me, dear Mistress.

 

 

(Another summer evening.  Man came home and opened his front door).

Man:  Hello, Richie!  I’m home!  …Goodness!  What is this?

His Dog:  Welcome back, Master.

M:  Richie, What is this?

HD:  A welcome mat.

M:  Whaaat?

HD:  A paw-made mat to welcome you, Master.  Your return was a little later than I had expected, therefore, I decided to spend my time weaving a special mat for you.

M:  Weaving…??

HD:  Paw-weaving, to be precise.  Do you like my craftsdogship?

M:  These are… just my old socks and worn towels…the things I chucked into the bin the other day!!

HD:  I have recycled them, Master.  Everyone is encouraged to recycle things these days, you know.  You may be a cyclist, yes, you are, but I am a recyclist.  Because I cannot ride a bike–well, not yet.

M:  Richie…!!

Well…, that is a lovely thought.  Very thoughtful, Richie.  But…

HD:  I am sorry you do not like my pawiwork.

M:  No, no, it is nothing like that.  You are a good dog, Richie.  I appreciate your effort.  But, sorry dear, this does not work.  Please put this back into the bin where you found it.  There is no need to “destroy” them, you know.  We can do it humanely, if you know what I mean….

HD:  Alright, Master.  I will do that.  But I can only do it caninely.

M:   …Of course.  Thank you, Richie.

Now, shall we go for a walk?  To compensate this, perhaps?

HD:  Wow!  Yes, Master.

M:  OK.  Just a moment.  I am going to have a shower.

HD:  Are you going to have a shower?

M:  Yes.

HD:  You are going to have a shower before going for a walk with me?

M:  Well, and change.  These are my work clothes, you know.

HD:  Of course….

(Fifteen minutes later.  The man came out from his bedroom, now dressed casually but rather smartly.)

HD:  You look smart, Master.

M:  Do I?  Thank you, Richie.

HD:  Very smart.  Rather different from your usual walkie style, I must say.

M:  No, no, Richie.  I look exactly the same as usual, I am sure.

HD:  ….

 

(The man and his dog walked to the park.  Once there, the man took his dog straight to the centre of the park where a fountain was.  The dog started playing with the water, then miraculously, Kennet appeared from somewhere, followed by his mistress.  The two dogs joyously played together whilst their owners sat on the bench talking and laughing. )

 

(An evening in late autumn.  The man and his dog were in the living room.)

HD:  Master?

M:  Uh?

HD:  I have not seen Kennet recently.

M:  No.  You haven’t.

HD:  Nor have I seen you having a shower before our walk either.

M:  ….

HD:  What happened, Master, to Kennet and his lovely mistress, may I ask?  Are they not coming to the park anymore?   Or at least at the same time we go there, I wonder?

M:  Well, Richie…, this is a bit difficult to explain, but you remember, I believe, that I came back later than usual on several occasions, on which you resisted, successfully, the temptation to recycle anything from the bin…?

HD:  I remember I have been a good dog!

M:  Yes, you have.  Well…, in short, I went out with the lady, Kennet’s mistress, that is, for several times.  And…, this may not be easy for you to understand, Richie, but Amelia, that is the name of Kennet’s mistress, she and I have decided not to see each other again.  We were very fond of each other, you know, but we realised that what we wanted in life were rather different, and it would be better we went separate ways.

HD:  Different routes when walking dogs.

M:  Ha, ha, no, …well, yes, and doing other things, too.  You know, Richie, she is a lovely lady and there must be a more suitable man than I for her.  Well, this is the human world, Richie.

HD:  I am sorry, Master.  You look sad.

M:  No, no, I am OK, Richie.  I am sorry you will not play with Kennet any more.  You were good pals….

HD:  That is alright, Master.  That is the canine world.  We do not choose our lives but our masters or mistresses do.

Perhaps next time, a lovely lady will come to you along with a similarly lovely four-legged girl on leash!  I look forward to that.  That is much fairer, I am sure, from my point of view.

M:  Ha, ha, ha, Richie!  That is good!

HD:  A duck with a leek.

M:  What?

HD:  They call it “A duck comes carrying a leek” in Japan, Master.  My Akita friend told me when we were together at the shelter.  The meaning is, I think, “two good things come together for your convenience”.  They cook duck with leek in Japan, which, he said, was delicious.

M:  Oh, do they?  You never cease to amaze me with your extensive knowledge, Richie.

HD:  I have learnt a lot at the shelter, Master.  There were a lot of us living together and some were from very different culture.  It was an interesting place, actually.

M:  It seems so.  Anyway, I am impressed, Richie.

HD:  Thank you, Master.  Let us hope that two lovely ladies, a human and a canine, appear before us before long!  I must tell you, Master, everyone who loves dogs is nice person.  We know that.

M:  Well, yes, perhaps that is right.

By the way, Richie, in your shelter days, was there anyone, any “four-legged lady” whom you admired, I wonder?  Or…with whom you…uh, forged a special relationship?

HD:  Some things are better left untold, Master, if you allow me to say so.  I can only say that everyone, both human and canine, has a second chance.  Just like, uh… recycling.

 

 

 

 

(An evening.  A man and his dog are in the living room.)

His Dog:  It is rain, Master.

Man:  What?

HD:  It has just started raining, that was what I said.

M:  No, Richie, it’s not raining.  Look, I can see the moon and stars from here!  Look out from the window!

HD:  Well, I can see them.  But I also hear that it is raining, Master.

M:  Ha, ha, ha, Richie, that is impossible!  You have just heard the leaves rustling.

HD:  No, Master.  I can smell the water as well.

M:  What?

HD:  And it is getting heavier!

(The sound of water falling is now audible.  Just like it is raining.)

M:  You are right, Richie.  I can hear it!!

(The sound has got louder.  Now there is a lot of noise like a heavy rain.  The dog is running out of the room.)

HD:  Master, it is raining in the bathroom!!

M:  Whaaaat???!!!

(The man also runs out from the living room and dashes into his bathroom.)

M:  Oh, my God!!

(The water is coming down from the ceiling into the whole bathroom and the bathroom floor is now beginning to flood.)

(The man dashes out to the neighbour’s flat above, leaving the dog standing in the “rain”).

 

(A few hours later.)

M:  It was the neighbour upstairs, Richie.  He had a shower, you know, and the pipe up there was somehow blocked.  It is now stopped.  He has arranged the plumber to come.  Until the work is done, he is not going to use his shower again.   Thank God, I was here at home when it happened!

HD:  Your bathroom is now a bath tub, Master.  You have got a bigger bath!

M:  Oh, Richie!  It is NOT a good thing!!  I have to call the decorator to repaint the ceiling.

HD:  Wow, you will now have a NEW bathroom, Master!

M:  No, no, it is NOT a good thing, Richie.  There will be work done there, you know.  I will have to be here all day to supervise it.

HD:  You will be here all day!  A holiday, then!!

M:  No, Richie, no….  Well, you are a happy soul, who can enjoy ANYTHING.

HD:  Will it cost you a lot, Master, this “work”?

M:  Oh, no.  It is my neighbour’s fault, and he pays for it.

HD:  How generous of him!  You are lucky to have a nice neighbour, Master.

M:  What?  No, no, Richie.  It is his responsibility to pay for the damage because it is HIS pipe, which caused the flood, you know.

HD:  Well, perhaps, yes, but that will give you a newly decorated bathroom on his expense, Master.  How nice!

M:  Oh, Richie, you are a nice guy.  I love you.

HD:  Thank you, Master, I love myself, too.  And of course, I love you, too, Master.

M:  ….

 

(A few weeks later, the decorating is going on in the bathroom now that the ceiling is completely dried.  The man is in his living room with his dog whilst the work is done.)

M:  Well, Richie, this sort of thing happens quite often here, I must say.

HD:  Re-decorating?

M:  No, no, the flooding inside.  I mean, water accidents at home.  Not a natural disaster that happens out there, which, I hope, does not happen so often.  But the plumbing problems are very common in this country, unfortunately.  You know, buildings are old, normally, so are pipes.  I have had this sort of problem many times before you came, Richie.  Countless times.  I can even say it happens regularly!

HD:  Does it?  A new bathroom every time, then, Master?

M:  Ha, ha, ha, no.  Not always like that.  Once I had an awful incident, which did not give me anything new, just a really tiresome, nightmarish time.  It actually was rather traumatic, you know, Richie.

HD:  What nightmare did you have?  Did you manage to escape from the monster?

M:  Ha, ha, ha, Richie, no, no monster was involved.  Just water.

HD:  Was the flood much more serious than this time?

M:  Actually, no.  It was the opposite.  It was the complete opposite, Richie.

HD:  ???

M:  It was the day before I went away for 2 weeks on holiday abroad.  I packed my luggage, planning to have an early night to prepare for a long flight the following day.  I was having a shower in the evening.  A nice shower after a day’s work, you know.  And suddenly, the water stopped.  “Alright”, I thought.  I had almost finished.  I dried myself, quickly dressed, thinking it was one of those things which happened but soon recovered.

No.  I was wrong.  A half an hour later, I wanted to have a glass of water.  I turned the tap in the kitchen.  No water.  “This is strange”, I thought.  I tried the other tap, which was for hot water.  No, no water there, either.  I went back into the bathroom and tried the sink.  No cold or hot water.  I tried the bath, and then the shower.  No water at all.   Oh, my God!!  I am going on holiday tomorrow!  Please, no accident!!

HD:  The water had turned into a monster, I believe, who escaped.

M:  …!?   I tried to think.  Well…, I was having a shower.  A lot of water was involved, naturally.  I had used the washing machine before that, during the day.  I mean I may have used a plenty of water.  But I doubted I had used too much water to have no more available, you know.  Actually, that did not make sense.  This happened when I was renting a flat elsewhere and the flat did not use the tank.  The water came straight from the main supply.  It was impossible I could “use up” the whole water supply.  Unless there was a disruption in the supply for some reason, like a road work.  Unlikely.  It was 10 o’clock in the evening, and was even Sunday.

HD:  The monster wanted a day-off, naturally.

M:  (Ignoring his dog’s remark) Then I tried the taps again.  Each let out a drop or two of water now, no more.  I was beginning to panic.  “Calm down”, I said to myself and thought.  Well, I did remember some cluttering noise came out from the boiler just before the water suddenly stopped.  “Was that any sign?” “Is this something to do with the boiler?”  “Hang on, that does not make sense either.  The boiler must have something to do with hot water, but surely, not with cold water”.  Anyway, the central heating was working alright.

HD:  The boiler made a sound to warn you about the monster, I am sure!

M:  Well, actually, I think it did warn me, though no monster was involved.

Anyway, at that moment I did not work out what was going on, but there was nothing I could do that evening.  I was going away in the morning the next day.  I could manage without any drinking water or perhaps the water to wash myself for once before leaving.  I tried the toilet and, thankfully, the WC was working.  I had decided to contact my landlord early next morning and explain, ask him to have a look, and if necessary, call the plumber to fix the problem.  It is not very comfortable to have a workman in whilst you are away in abroad, but in a way, it might be good, for I did not have to be subjected to the waterless life during that time, and it would be my landlord who would work it out.  By the time I would be back, everything would be alright again.

HD:  Of course, his holiday would finish when yours would.

M:  …???

So, the next morning I did as I planned.  I called my landlord, explained the situation and asked him the rest.  Just before leaving for the airport, I enquired of my next door neighbour if their water supply was OK.  They said there was no problem at all.  I later emailed this to my landlord.

It was a bit of mystery as there was no work going on either in the building or in the street.  No disruption in supply and the neighbour had no problem.  The boiler did make a noise but only once and only for a second, and the heating was unaffected at all.  Still both hot and cold water were affected.  There was no tank, which meant the supply should have had no limit….  I was puzzled.

But I had the plane to catch in the morning and was off for holiday.  I tried to forget all about this and left my landlord to look after it!

A few days later, on holiday, I received an email from my landlord.  He went to the flat, checked the water and it was alright.  The water was running normally, he said.  “Oh, well, one of those things then….” I thought.

 

M:  Two weeks later, I came back to the flat.  Worn out after the long flight.  Everything was alright.  I cooked, washed up, bathed and went to bed, thanking my landlord on the phone for his help.

HD:  Good.

M:  The next day, when I came home in the evening, I had a shower.  Whilst doing so, I heard the same cluttering noise coming from the boiler.  Then the water stopped.  Suddenly.  Oh, no!  It was exactly the same as before.  The problem was still there with me!!

HD:  He was still away, rather!

M:  After that, the same thing all over again.  No water from hot or cold tap either in the kitchen or in the bathroom.  When tried, each tap let out a few drops of water, which then faded into nothing.  I managed to brush my teeth with the bottle of mineral water I brought from the aeroplane.  I did have a shower, or sort of.  No need to wash all the dishes and cups there and then.  I could use the WC, which was vital.  I had a packet of wet tissues, which I could use to wipe my hands.  “Oh, well, I can manage till tomorrow morning when I call the landlord, who, in turn, will call a plumber, who, I hope, will be available before long”, I thought and went to bed.

Next morning, I telephoned the Thames Water just in case.  They reported no disruption in their supply or any existing problem.  The plumber was called and asked to come on the day.  I cancelled all the appointments for the day and waited for my landlord to call me back to tell the time the plumber could come.

HD:  A day-off for you, too, now.

M:  (Ignoring his dog again) Then I tried to use the toilet.  No water.  Oh, Noooooooooooooooo!!  I realised this was now an emergency!  No water to drink, wash, or even to use the WC!!  The flat was now inhabitable!  I could not wait any longer.  I called my landlord again and begged him to send the plumber as soon as possible.   He said the plumber would come in 2 hours’ time.  OK, 2 hours was manageable.

Waiting for the plumber, I thought this was not the kind of thing you would like to have any day, but in particular, just before or after the long holiday.  I was still tired after the journey and the business could not be resumed normally.  I felt hopeless.  But I could not lose hope just yet.  The situation had to be resolved.

HD:  Ummm….  The water stopped before you left.  But it was OK when your landlord tried.  So was it when you came back.  Then it stopped again.  Am I right?

M:  Yes, you are.  That is right.

HD:  How was that possible?  Why did the water come back once, and go again?

M:  To be honest, Richie, I don’t know.  But it seems that the water had been somehow supplied really slowly and it accumulated in time.  Drip by drip, you know.  That was why it was there when my landlord tried a few days later as well as when I came home after 2 weeks.

HD:  Aha, I see…The Moldau.

M:  What?

HD:  The Moldau, Master.  It is a part of the Czech composer Smetana’s famous work The Homeland.

M:  Well, I know that.  What has it to do with this predicament?

HD:  Well, what I have heard is when Smetana wrote the work, he wanted to tell us that even the greatest river started from a drip of water.  A grand thought, is it not?  I love the concept, you know, Master.

M:  Oh, Richie…!  You really are a great dog.  And one of the happiest, I am sure.

HD:  Thank you, Master, for your complement.  But we dogs are born to be happy, basically.

M:  Well, yes, it seems like that.

HD:  And of course your landlord thought everything was alright when he came because it actually was.

M:  Indeed.  I doubt even the plumber could notice any problem then, as the water was running normally.

HD:  Yes, we always have to catch a culprit red-handed.

M:  What did you say?

HD:  I tried to say, “We have to catch a thing when it is actually happening”, Master.

M:  Oh, yes, that’s right.  Ha, ha, ha…you are strange, Richie.  Well, clever, but…err, eccentric.

HD:  I take it as another complement.

M:  Well, yes.

HD:  Thank you, Master.  As I have told you before, a dog resembles his master.

M:  Ha, ha, ha.

HD:  Anyway, sorry, Master, I interrupted your story.  Tell me, please, what happened next?

M:  Well, the good plumber came as he promised.  He tried the taps.  No water from any of them.  Even to him, it was a mystery.   He asked around the neighbours but no one reported any problem.  The boiler was alright.  He knew there was no problem with the main water supply.  He stripped the wooden floor to see if there was any problem there. None.

HD:  No monster was hiding, I see.

M:  Next half an hour or so, he went out from and back into the flat several times to find out what was wrong.  Finally, he had the idea.  He went to his van and brought back a hoover.  He said it was the air in the pipe, connected to that particular flat, which caused the problem.  The pipe was so full of air, for some reason unknown even to him, which prevented the water from the main coming into it, he said.

HD:  I see it now.  The air was the monster!

M:  Well, yes, …in a way.

The poor guy struggled for another hour with his hoover to suck out all the unnecessary air stored in the pipe.  It was a hard and difficult task demanding both skills and strength.  His face was red and now he was sweating as if in a sauna.  A lot of noise and grunts.  I cheered.  Then, at last!!  We saw the water coming.  Slowly.

HD:  Well done!!

M:  It took some more time for water to come back to normal.  Both the plumber and I were exhausted.  We cried with joy when it came flowing in the end.  I thanked him heartily and he left.

HD:  Hooray!!

M:  Several minutes later, I heard the tapping noise from somewhere.  “What now?”  I went to investigate.  I saw a tiny amount of water dripping from one of the pipes close to the boiler.  Oh, no!!  I turned the screw there and tried my best to stop the leak.  It was in vain.  The leak was not from the screw but a different part of the pipe.  It seemed it had been alright only because the water was not flowing.  But now that the water had come back to normal, this leak started.  A little water, but a constant leak.  My trouble had not come to an end yet!  Damnn!!

HD:  The Moldau in the flat, that was not particularly good.

M:  No, certainly not!

Putting an empty bottle underneath the pipe to receive the leaking water, I called the landlord again.  Explained what was happening and asked him to send the plumber back.  He called the plumber’s mobile.  The earliest the plumber could come back was the next afternoon.  “All right”.  I said to myself.  “I can drink, I can wash, I can use the WC.  The immediate predicament has gone”.  I cancelled another days’ work and made myself ready.

HD:  Another day-off!

M:  The next afternoon the plumber came back.  He saw the leak and confirmed it had not affected the boiler.  At least that was a relief.  He took out his tools and tried to stop the leak.  He used all his might but the drip persisted.  Then he took out some glue to seal the leak, without success.

“I am sorry”, he said.  “The pipe is old and it had to be replaced.  But I cannot do it now, for an obvious reason.  You should tell the neighbours and ask their cooperation.  I will talk to your landlord and he will get back to you later to discuss when to do this.  Until then keep this bottle here to receive the drips”.  And he left.

I felt helpless.  My water problem was ongoing.  “How long more do I have to endure this?  How much more time do I have to sacrifice for this?  Oh…no….”

HD:  Too many holidays certainly affect your finance….

M:  (Ignoring his dog) A few minutes later, the plumber returned.  It was a surprise.  “Actually, I had a thought”, he said.  “Let us try”.  He turned all the taps in the flat and kept them open, letting the water running.  Now, Richie, I must confess I did not quite know what exactly he did.  But, using the pressure, he did something really clever.  The leak stopped.  Thank God!

HD:  Hooray, again!!

M:  “It may be temporary, but I hope this will last for a few years”, he said.  “Oh, well”, I thought, “This is not my flat after all and I only hope the pipe will be alright as long as I am here”.

I moved out before any other problem happened there, Richie.   Of course I had some since I came here, like the other day, but not the one as traumatic as that one, thankfully.  Even now, when I am having a shower, I sometimes fear the water would stop suddenly!

HD:  No need to worry, Master.   I am here to watch the monster!

 

 

 

(A summer evening.  A man came home looking tired and a little absent-minded.  His dog came running to the door to greet him.)

His Dog:  Hello, Master!  Welcome home!

Man:  …Hi, Richie.

HD:  Are you alright, Master?  You look…er…not…quite alright.

Have you lost your phone again?  Or had your wallet stolen?

M:  Ha, ha, Richie, no.  They are both here, thank you.  I’m just tired.

HD:  You are tired most of the time, Master.  But you do not look like your “most of the time” this evening.

M:  Ha, ha, ha…Richie.  I’m alright.  Just….  I don’t know about the canine world, but in ours there sometimes are nasty people who make you unhappy, that’s all.

I hate liars, Richie.

HD:  So do I.

M:  Good.  Tell me, why do people lie, do you think, Richie?

HD:  Because they are people.  Simple.

M:  ….

HD:  Dogs never lie.  Humans lie.  You know that, I hope, Master?

M:  Um, that is true.

HD:  Do not worry, Master, I still love you.

M:  What?

HD:  I tried to reassure you.  I said I hate liars, and humans lie, and you are a human.  Incidentally, I really sympathise with you for the last fact, Master.  Anyway, in spite of the logic, I still love you.

M:  Oh…thank you, Richie.

HD:  You are very welcome.

By the way, it is something to do with tails, I believe.

M:  Tales?  Tales about what?

HD:  No, Master, not that tale, but the tail which we have and wag.

M:  Ah, that tail, I see.  What about the tail?

HD:  Well, you asked me why people lied, Master.  In my opinion, that is most likely because you do not have tails.

M:  What are you saying?

HD:  We animals do not lie, Master.  Humans are the only creatures, as far as I know, who lie.  Now, give your attention to tails.  Humans do not have tails.  We, dogs, have tails.  So do sheep, cows, pigs, horses, rabbits, …even cats.  Cats are not particularly trustworthy creatures all the time, but at least they do not lie, purposefully.  Nor do others I have just mentioned.

M:  ???

HD:  Can you see the strong implication given between lying and tails here, Master?  My deduction is, the creatures who have tails do not lie, who have no tails, lie.

M:  Ummmm…that sounds plausible on the surface, but, do all the animals really have tails?  Are humans the only one who have not?

HD:  Look, Master.  I am not talking about the four-legged ones alone.  Birds have tails, fishes have tails, …even snakes.

M:  Oh, do snakes have tails?

HD:  The point at the end is their tail, I believe.

M:  Ummmm.  What about bees?  Do they have tails?

HD:  The one with which they sting is their tail.  Therefore, other insects, who do not sting, similarly have the tails but just do not use them for stinging.

M:  Really?!

HD:  Of course!!  …Probably….

Anyway, I really feel for you, Master.  Creatures large and small, from elephants to snails, all have tails, but you do not.  As I have said, not only the creatures on land but the creatures in the sea and sky both have them, even prawns, except humans.  This has led me to suspect that the tail holds the clue.  If you have tails, you do not lie, if you have not, you lie.  Do I make myself clear, Master?

M:  Well, yes…sort of.

HD:  I am very sorry, Master.  I wish I could give you mine.  But I cannot, unfortunately, for I only have one and it is indispensable.

M:  What?  What are you talking about now?

HD:  My tail.  If I had two of them, like ears, eyes or paws, I should most certainly give you one of them.  But I have only one tail, Master, and if I gave it away, I would start lying I fear.

M:  Oh, Richie!  You are such a sweet creature!

Of course, your tail is important to you.  And there is no need at all to worry about giving it up for me!  I’m fine!  But thank you for your kind thought, Richie.

Let’s have something to eat.  Then a walkie, shall we?

HD:  I should be delighted, Master.

 

(Later that evening, the man and his dog were walking in the park.  The dog noticed another dog coming from the other direction and went to greet it.  They started playing together.  The man met the other dog’s female owner.)

M:  Hello, is that your dog?

Woman:  Hello, yes.  He is Kennet.

M:  Mine is Richie.  They seem to be enjoying themselves.

(The two owners started talking to each other.  Eventually, the dogs came back to their owners.)

M:  Hey, Richie.  Have you had a fun?

HD:  Yes, Master!  We have made friends.

M:  Good.  Are we ready to go?

(The dogs said good-bye to each other and now both started walking to different directions.  The owners looked at each other and lingered.)

HD:  Come on, Master!  Quick!  I am here!

M:  OK, Richie!

(The man exchanged a few more words with the woman and rushed to his dog.  Then the owners both looked back and waved to each other.)

HD:  You seem to have made good friends, too, Master.

M:  Well, …we talked a bit…whilst you played.

HD:  I should be very happy to play with Kennet again, if you like, Master?

M:  What?  Oh, good.  We may bump into each other again…eh, Richie?

HD:  If you try to bump into each other, we quite probably will.

M:  What do you mean, Richie?

HD:  Nothing.  I just thought she was a beautiful lady, and rather pleasant, too.

M:  Was she?  Well, do you think she was?

HD:  Yes, I do.  Kennet loves his mistress.  He talked really good of her.

M:  Good.

HD:  I surmise that she is your type, Master?

M:  What?  No, not particularly, no.

HD:  ….

(The dog looked intensely into his master’s face.)

M:  Ahem, by the way, Richie, do frogs have tails?

HD:  Oh…, …I will check next time I see them, Master.

M:  OK.