(An evening.  A man and his dog were in the living room.  The man switched off the TV.)

Man:  Ah, all these cowboys.  You see, Richie?  There are cowboys everywhere in this country now.  Dreadful, really dreadful!  They make prey of innocent people, the elderly in particular.

His Dog:  I have never seen any horse in my neighbourhood, let alone a cowboy, Master.

M:  Oh, no, Richie…ha, ha, ha….  Not that cowboy.  I meant cowboy builders and engineers.  There are a lot of rogue traders, going around houses offering services of building and repair work, of which they have no knowledge or experience at all.  We call these cowboys, you know.  They are complete amateurs who offer most dubious services to unsuspecting people, usually, in exchange for a lot of money.  People not only lose money but also have more problems than necessary, on top of the one they have already had.  They are swindlers of the worst kind.

HD:  Gosh!  I thought they were those who came riding on horses with wide-brimmed hats!  I saw them in American films.

M:  Ha, ha, yeah, that is the American version.  In the UK, cowboys are dodgy workmen who ripped you off with botched jobs around the house.  We call them cowboys, probably because they are reckless and unreliable.  Or maybe because they come in from nowhere, make a mess, and disappear into the sunset!

HD:  That is an insult!!

M:  What?  Why are you so angry, Richie?  Have you ever had a cowboy friend…?

HD:  No, I have not.  But you said they were doggy.  I meant that was an insult!!

M:  Oh, no, Richie, no.  I said they were dodgy, not doggy.  Please calm down.

HD:  That is good.

Anyway, you said they were everywhere.  Have you met one?

M:  Have I met a cowboy?  Of course, I have.  Plenty of them.

HD:  Have you?  Did they make a mess in your place?

M:  Oh, yes.  More than once.  I tell you, Richie, sometimes they can even ruin your life, either financially or psychologically.  I am lucky as I have managed to survive all the time!

HD:  Tell me about your cowboy experience, Master.  I will be the judge.

M:  Ha, ha, OK.  Let me see…which story shall I tell you…?  Ah, I know.  The funniest one.

Well, it started just before Christmas.  You have to bear with me, Richie, but an accident always happens on weekend or during holiday time.

HD:  Yes, I know!  The basket delivery!  I remember the story.

M:  Exactly.  It happened a few Christmases before that particular Christmas.  I was renting a small flat in London as I have told you.  On the Friday before Christmas, my washing machine was broken.  It stopped working.  I dug out the manual and tried as many things as I could to revive it.  No success.  It was not a surprise.  The machine was very old, more than 10 years old without doubt.  It could have had been broken down any time since I first moved in there.  But I thought, “oh, please, not before Christmas!”

HD:  Let us call it Christmess.

M:  That may be right, Richie.

I telephoned my landlord.  In fact I was just in time to catch him.  He said he was going away on holiday abroad from the next day, and would not come back until mid-January.  Of course, he would not!  It was the Friday before Christmas!  I asked him if he could buy me a new machine straight away.  He replied that the plumber had to have a look before he decided to buy the new one or not.  Fair enough.  “Then please call the plumber”, I said.  “Our usual plumber is on holiday from tomorrow as well”, was his reply.  “Really?”  “When will he be back?”  “Mid-January” he answered.

HD:  Typical.  Humans live for holidays….

M:  “Well, OK, I have no washing machine for 4 weeks, before and after Christmas and the New Year.”  You may not know, Richie, but in the human world this is the time when people wash things more than any other time of year.  We like to celebrate Christmas and the New Year with clean clothes, linens and, as for some people, even curtains.  We have visitors.  We have parties.  A lot to wash, naturally.  And it is the busiest time of year.  No time for frequent visits to launderette.  It is the time when washing machines are most needed!

HD:  Poor machines….  High expectations are often too much for some.

M:  What…?

I explained this to my landlord.  And told him even if I had waited him or the plumber to come back, they would only start deciding then whether to repair or to buy.  It was already 4 weeks ahead but it would be 5 or 6 in that case before I could actually use a washing machine again.  “I cannot wait”, I insisted.  “What would you like me to do?”  Retorted the landlord.  “I am away.  I cannot do anything”.  “Yes, you can”, I said.  “First of all, the machine here is very old.  It is much cheaper and wiser to buy a new one than trying to repair it.  Secondly, there is no need for you to be here to buy a new washing machine.  These days, you can buy it online, pay it online, and arrange it online to be delivered anywhere you like.  It is easily done from abroad with just a few clicks on computer or even with your phone.  You can ask the shop not only to deliver and install but also to dispose of the old machine for a small charge.”

HD:  That is pawy.

M:  The landlord got emotional.  “I cannot do such a thing!  You should just wait!”  I thought it was unfair.  It was his responsibility.  “The machine is a part of the flat and a part of my rent!” I said.  Hearing this remark, the landlord suddenly became silent.  Finally, he said, “I will see what I can do”.  Thank God.

HD:  Good boy, the landlord.

M:  A few days passed.  Nothing happened.  Now there was no hope of the machine coming before Christmas.  “Oh, well, I knew that.”  I waited a few more days.  Patiently.  Considering the landlord was on holiday.  Now Christmas and Boxing Day have gone.  By then I had been washing the minimum by hand.  A week passed.  No hope now to have the machine before the New Year.  I had not heard from the landlord at all.  I emailed him…to eventually find out he had done nothing yet. I deplored him to act.

HD:  Not such a good boy, after all.

M:  Then just before the end of the year, his son telephoned me.  It was unexpected.  He said he was in London on holiday and was asked by his father to buy a washing machine for me.  That was kind, I thought.  I thanked him and told him to inform me the delivery date so that I could be at home to receive it.  The next day, he called again and said he bought a machine and ordered the delivery and installation as well as the disposal of the old machine.  Fantastic!  How kind of him to do all this during his holiday for me, or actually, for his father.  He was much more efficient than his father, too.  He said the delivery was due on the 6th January.  He apologised me about the delay, explaining that was the earliest possible date he could get for the delivery.  Quite understandable.  It was the end of year and we had New Year’s Day.  I said I was very grateful to him and prepared to wait another week.

HD:  Good boy, the son.

M:  Now it was the 6th January.  The delivery time was assigned in 2 hours’ slot and mine was 9am to 11am.  Good.  I did not have to wait all day.  But of course, they did not come during the arranged time.  They came at 12pm.  “Well, still not bad”, I thought.  I showed them the old machine.  They confirmed it was broken.  “Please take this away and bring the new one in then”, I said.  Now, what do you think they said to this, Richie?

HD:  “You cannot teach an old machine new tricks”, perhaps?

M:  Ha, ha, that is good, Richie.

No.  They said they could not do that!  “What?  Why?”  I exclaimed.  “Because”, they answered, “we had no access to the integral parts either to disconnect or install the machine.”  “What?  What do you mean?  What access?”  “The kitchen cupboard is the problem”, was their reply.  “What kitchen cupboard?  What are you talking about?”  “Well”, they said, “you have made a kitchen cupboard over the parts of the washing machine integral to the connection.  It completely covers them and blocks the access.  Unless you dismantle the kitchen cupboard, we cannot reach the parts.”  “Whaaat?”  “Can you dismantle it?”  They asked me.  “Of course I cannot.  This is not my flat.  I cannot dismantle the cupboard without the landlord’s permission.”  “Well, then, ask him to do that first.  Call the plumber and remove the obstacle, then we will be back to do our job.”  “You cannot disconnect the old machine?”  “No.”  “Because of the kitchen cupboard?”  “Yes.”  “Then what about the new machine?  You have brought it, haven’t you?”  “Yes, we have.  But we cannot install it, therefore, we will take it back with us.”  “Whaaat?  Then for what purpose have you come?”  “Well, to tell you, or your landlord to do the necessary work, that is the removal of the cupboard, before asking us to do anything with your washing machines.”

HD:  What a curious logic!

M:  You know, Richie, this was ridiculous.  They were trying to say the kitchen cupboard was made after the washing machine was installed.  That was unthinkable.  Who would do such a silly thing to build a cupboard over the washing machine blocking the access to it?  But it was not my flat.  I did not know for sure.  Both the cupboard and the machine were already there when I arrived.  I could not say anything more before talking to my landlord.

There they left.  Without doing anything!!  Well, actually, worse.  One of them asked me to let him use the bathroom, which I did not refuse.  He used my bathroom and said the ventilator was too noisy and the flat was too tiny!   “Shut up!!” I thought.  “None of your business!!  Give me my washing machine, or go away!!”  Now the old washing machine was still sitting there uselessly.  The new machine was gone back with them to the deposit.  Despite the fact my landlord’s son had paid for both installation and disposal.  In short, nothing was done.  Oh, my God.

HD:  Umm…“keep a dog and bark yourself” situation….

M:  …??

I contacted both the landlord and his son explaining what had happened.  They were astonished.  “What a load of crap!  They were just lazy.  Of course the cupboard was there before the washing machine was installed.  And the machine is not our first.  We have replaced it before without any difficulty.  They just made up an excuse not to do their work.  The lazy crooks!”

HD:  Our hind legs.

M:  What?

Anyway, it was made clear they lied when we telephoned the shop.  They said it was customary to write the reason of a failed delivery down on the paperwork but there was no such reference.  The customer service apologised and said they would arrange another delivery.  I asked the delivery date.  They said the next possible date was the 15th January.  “Whaaat???  Another 9 days?  Why does it take so long?”  “Because we are very busy now after Christmas.”  “But it is your fault, not ours, you should do it more quickly.” “Sorry, sir, but that is the best we can do.”  “Well…if you cannot, you cannot.  OK, what is the time of the delivery?”  “Between 7am and 9pm, sir.”  “OK, 7 to 9 in the morning.”  “No, sir, no.  It is between 7 in the morning and 9 in the evening.”  “Whaaat???  That is all day!!  I cannot wait all day.  You could deliver in 2 hours’ slot for the first delivery, why can’t you do the same for the second?  It is your delivery men who were lazy.  If you feel sorry, why don’t you at least arrange a more convenient delivery time?”

HD:  Fair enough.

M:  Well, they agreed to do this, at least.  The re-delivery was arranged on the 15th from 7 to 9 in the morning.  Unsociably early, I know, but there you are.  The problem, however, had not been solved yet.

When the shop contacted the delivery company, they insisted they could not disconnect or install the washing machines unless the kitchen cupboard would properly be removed.  If this work would not have been done, they could still come but just leave doing nothing as before.

The shop manager, by this time, Richie, I was talking to the manager, who had no power or authority, or even pride as a manager, could not say anything to the delivery company.  He just asked us to dismantle and get rid of the cupboard.

HD:  Clearly, he was not the top dog.

M:  My landlord did not want to do that, naturally, and refused to call the plumber.  For his part, as the fee was already paid, the machine should be installed by the people whom his son had paid.  Quite.

I was beginning to be panicked.  “This does not go anywhere.  The folly goes on forever.  I need my washing machine!”

HD:  An impressive build-up to the climax.

M:  Now, I decided to take an initiative.  I know the number of the landlord’s plumber from the previous incident.  The landlord said the plumber would be on holiday, but he might be back by then.  To me it was clear that the best and only way to avoid further disappointment was to call the plumber, ask him to disconnect the broken machine before the crooks came, and ask him to come back later to install the new one after the crooks brought it.  A ridiculous double job for the plumber, I know, but nothing else would do.  I telephoned the plumber and explained the situation.  He was there, by the way, not on holiday at all, and was kind enough to agree to do what I had asked.  He was sure that the delivery men were making a story.

On the day the conscientious plumber came before 7am, disconnected the old washing machine with ease.  It took only about 15 minutes.  No need to dismantle the kitchen cupboard, obviously.  He left, promising to come back when I called again.

HD:  Good boy, the plumber!

M:  At about 9am, the delivery came.  The men were different from the ones who came before.  They saw the detached washing machine and took it to their van.  No mention of the kitchen cupboard, although it was still there.  Then they carried the new machine in.  They reluctantly started trying to install it when I said that was not necessary.  They were visibly delighted. Again, no mention of the removal of the cupboard.   There they left without any mention of the strange case of the disappearing or non-disappearing kitchen cupboard.

HD:  The case itself disappeared, not the cupboard….

M:  Exactly.

The plumber came back later.  He installed the new washing machine without difficulty.  The kitchen cupboard intact, of course.  “It is not unusual”, he said.  “We are called to do this sort of job more and more these days.  There are a lot of cowboys around.”

HD:  A-ha!

M:  The plumber sent the invoice to my landlord, naturally, and told him the whole story.  The landlord had no choice but paying him.  Thanks to the kind and capable plumber, I had my washing machine at last.  It was exactly 4 weeks since my old one was broken.  The rogue delivery men prolonged the period considerably.

HD:  Now that was cowboyish!

M:  I told you.