Man:  Quarantine, Richie!  All of us have to…Richie?  What’s wrong?  Why are you hiding?

His Dog:  (Poking his head from behind the curtain)  No, thank you, Master.  I should not like to go anywhere.  I love Britain.

M:  What?  It’s great that you love Britain, but what are you talking about, Richie?

HD:  I said I would not travel anywhere.

Man:  Yes, that’s the point, Richie, clever boy.  We shall not travel anywhere now.  We all have to stay home.  No meeting, no gathering, no pint at the local…not even any grooming, for either of us.  How long for?  God only knows.

But how did you know?  Is that by your usual canine nose?

HD:  I am sorry, Master, but it is I who have no idea what you are talking about.

Man:  Pandemic, Richie, a pandemic!  We are housebound, all of us, not only in this country but the whole world!  The Government ban on going out, that’s what it is.

HD:  We are not traveling then, Master?

Man:  No, Richie.  We cannot travel anywhere…apart from a local supermarket, or a chemist.  Well, we are allowed to have a daily walk as an exercise, which means you can still go for a walkie, Richie, every day, but I remind you, it’s only once a day!

HD:  If I am not mistaken, Master, you said we would be in quarantine…?

Man:  Oh, yes, we are…now.  A most horrific disease has gripped the whole world.  The virus kills people.  And it’s highly contagious.  We are all in quarantine so that we will not contract this awful disease.

HD:  I see.  We are trying to keep away from a killer virus….

Man:  Yes, Richie.

HD:  Are we leaving for an airport soon?

Man:  What?  No!  We may not go to an airport for some time.  Why should we?   Aha…Richie, I understand now.  No, it’s not that quarantine.  Don’t worry, Richie, it is not.  I remember you told me about your traumatic experience of being in quarantine at a foreign airport before you came to me.

HD:  Being in quarantine can change your personality, I warn you.

M:  Umm…probably.  No, no, It’s not that.  We are all in quarantine at home.  You don’t have to, or rather, you mustn’t go anywhere.  You should stay home until this pandemic subsides.

HD:  Oh, great!  I am so pleased.

M:   Well, I tell you, Richie, this will not be so great after all.  We cannot go to work, see a friend or family, or do some clothes shopping.  All the shops will be closed except grocers and chemist.  No restaurant or pub, no theatre, no library, no barber, no gym.

HD:  Can I not even go to the park?

M:  Oh, yes, you can.  Parks are one of the handful of places which won’t be closed, it seems.  We can go to the park.

HD:  Then I do not mind too much.

M:  Don’t you?  Let’s see, Richie.  You may regret having said that!

 

(Two weeks later.  The man and his dog are walking back from their daily walk cum grocery shopping.)

HD:  I feel so pleased, Master, that humans have finally evolved a territorial instinct like all of us animals, which is very important for survival.

M:  What?  What is all that about, Richie?

HD:  Territorial instinct, Master.  Most of us animals have an instinct to protect our own territory and respect others’ so that we coexist happily together.  I have always wondered why on earth poor humans do not have the same.  But in past weeks I could certainly notice you behave as if you now have the instinct.  Everyone stands 6 feet apart from each other everywhere.  A great improvement in human history, I think.

M:  Ha, ha, ha!  Richie, that is because people have to.  By the Government’s new rules, we have to keep at least 6 feet apart from one another to prevent the virus spreading.  No instinct at all, unfortunately, just a rule.

HD:  Oh, is it?  I am sorry to hear that it is not a natural development process of human beings.

M:  No.  This pandemic, Richie, has forced us to follow a lot of strange practices.  Social distancing is one of them.

HD:  I see, a good practice, anyway.  It leads to less discord, more peace, surely.

M:  I am not sure about that, Richie.  …Hey!

(The man waves to another man walking in their direction on the opposite side of the street.)

M:  (Shouting) Hey, Alex!  How are you doing?

Alex:  (Shouting) Oh, hi!  I’m fine.  Nice to see you!  It’s rather unpleasant and boring these days, isn’t it?

M:  Yeah, it is!  No work at all for me!

HD:  (Whispering to his Master) Why don’t you cross the street and greet him?

M:  (Whispering to his dog) No, we cannot, Richie.  The rule, you know.

HD:  A-ha!  That is rather inconvenient.  Distancing even between old friends.

M:  (Finishing the shouted conversation over the street and turning to his dog)  See?  I told you so.

 

The man and his dog came back home.  The man put his shopping on to the shelves, into the cupboards and the refrigerator, then both settled in the living room.

M:  (Examining his dog from top to toe)  Hey, Richie.  You have gained weight, recently.  You look fat!

HD:  (Surprisingly)  No!  No, I have not, Master.  I am as slim and fit as before!

M:  But you look bigger, Richie.  You definitely do!

HD:  That is because I have had no trim for more than 2 months!  Just as your hair, Master.  Look at yourself in the mirror.  You look like…er, arty, …rock and roll, …I mean you look quite like a 70’s hippie, Master!

M:  Oh, do I?  (Touching his hair) That is bad….

HD:  Yes, Master.  Your fringe is too long and almost covering your eyes.  Some canines have difficulty walking straight if their fringe is like that!  I hope you can walk properly.

M:  Ugh….  I want my hair cut, naturally.  But the barbers and hairdressers are all closed, Richie.  So are dog trimmers.

HD:  Is that a new Government rule as well, I wonder?

M:  Oh, yes, Richie.  All the shops except for chemists and grocery shops are closed in the whole country, probably in the whole Europe, even in the whole world!

HD:  Is that the extent the pandemic affects people?

M:  Yes, it is, Richie.  It is.

HD:  The only possible solution then, in my opinion, is DIY, Master.

M:  What?  DIY?

HD:  Yes, cut your hair yourself, Master.  That is the only way.

M:  Umm…no, I am not good at DIY, Richie, particularly not at trimming hair.

HD:  But you look a different man, Master.

M:  You look a different dog, Richie.  Oh, I have a good idea!  Why don’t we do your trim first, for…a sort of…practice?!

HD:  (Shaking) What?!

M:  It was you who suggested a chop, Richie.  Come on!  You will have a different kind of chop later.  A pork chop!

HD:  A pork chop!  Really?!

M:  Yes, a pork chop, Richie.  If you volunteer to be a guinea pig, you will be rewarded with a succulent pork chop!

HD:  You mean a guinea pup…in return for a pork chop.  …A pork chop.  Grr…that is irresistible.

M:  Is it a deal?

HD:  OK…it is a deal…!

 

(Next evening.  The man spent all day struggling to trim his dog’s hair and his own.  They sit in the living room looking at each other.)

M:  Ha, ha, ha…!  Well, Richie, you look a different dog.  I mean, you look remarkable!  Yes, you look outstanding…I mean…great!

HD:  You look quite exceptional too, Master.  Extraordinary, rather.

M:  Well, we tried our best, Richie.

HD:  No, Master.  You tried your best.

M:  Well, yes, that is right….  At least it is fair.  We both look equally…er, incredible, Richie.

HD:  Equally, yes, Master.  I am, actually, an “egalitarian”.  Sol omnibus lucet, said someone two thousand years ago.

M:  What?  Do you read Latin, Richie?

HD:  Did you not know?!  I thought you knew that I was a classicist.

M:  Well, you seem to be…more so than most humans, apparently….

(Suddenly chuckling) I see, that’s why we call it dog Latin…ha, ha, ha!

HD:  (Indignantly)  Excuse me, sir!  Mine is genuine Latin.  Actually, the expression “dog Latin” is quite an insult to us canines, in my opinion!  Anyway, I am a purist.  I thought you knew me better than that.

M:  Yes, Richie, of course you are…sorry for underestimating you.

Well, let me make it up to you.  How about that pork chop, Richie?  Let’s celebrate our resilience, shall we?

HD:  Definitely!  Magno cum gaudio!

M:  ???